Down below there is talk about girls, girls, girls, confusion, what's going on in my head, maybe something about life a year from my diagnosis with cancer but mostly, girls and whatever else falls out of my head.
Lately I've been trying to accept everything that's going: what went on.
It's kind of a blank statement but I'm trying to be fancy with my writing when I really have mostly no idea what I'm doing. I'm sad and laughing at how many things I've been taught and forgot.
and here's the part where I just start talking, I think what I'm trying to say is I'm just not very good at grammar and I guess it's good to practice, and certain things bug me but I'd rather just spit out what's going on with me and put down what's inside of my brain cells so I can look back at it later.
I think this whole blogging process for me has helped me realize a greater respect for a well written book.
This blog has been really messing with my brain. I want to write, so I can remember what the heck was going on in my head. But it's as if it already all fell out of my brain. I've filled it up with so much other stuff it's hard to scrape through all the other mess to find the stuff I want to write down. Shoot my brain is just too full of girls. I want I want I want to make my "future wife" know how much she means to me but in the mean time it feels like I'm endlessly searching, even though I have no intention of getting close to a girl right now, I don't think I'm ready. I think I'm scared actually. Either scared of hurting myself, or really hurting a girl. Or not picking the right one. What if I ask a girl to marry me that doesn't really want to marry me but feels bad for me and feels she has no choice but to marry me and then we both live in mediocrity as our love life. I don't want that. The woman I ask to marry me I want to burn with such a great passion for her that no one else even matters except for God. I don't feel like I know that girl yet, and if I do she's moved beyond me. Which leads me to another dilemma, what if the girl I burn for doesn't burn for me?
Weird, I wasn't expecting to write all that, especially not as something I would post publicly. Maybe it's a cry for help? As if I want help. I do enjoy my flirty lifestyle, I guess it's because I haven't seriously injured any woman's heart (that I know of) if the day comes and I do break a heart, ouch I'll probably lay in a hole for a week.
But onto what's recent with me. It's been a year since I was diagnosed with leukemia, over a year which is really pretty mind blowing. What blows my mind even more is how it doesn't feel like it ever even happened. Kinda feels like I fell asleep from the shock of them telling me I could die in a week or whatever and then woke up the day after my most recent port placement surgery which was almost exactly a year later. Basically my brain is trying to fathom why my arms and legs are so weak, why I'm a year older and why I have all these cool memories from the past year that (in my mind) didn't happen it real life, it was just a dream. Leukemiaception.
I'm pretty jazzed that I have hair right now. It should stay and God willing I don't need more intense treatment it shouldn't go away until I'm like old or whatever. I can run my fingers through my hair! Well on the back of my head but still, I do enjoy my hair.
Yea yea, there isn't a linear pattern I'm just typing whatever comes to my brain. Then typing and typing and typing until I either get distracted by texts, music, Facebook or I just don't feel like adding anymore at that time I force myself to find something to get distracted by.
Before this whole cancer thing I had planned to go to school and maybe school would fall into place later, or as a back up. Then as cancer progressed school got pushed out of my head more and more. I'm to the point now where I absolutely don't have an interest in going to school other than social reasons. I pray God would guide me where the pleases but I'm so distracted right now that I'm almost certain school would only further distract me. Let my life speak, not just my tongue and my lips.
I could always continue writing. But I think it could stop here.
I really need to figure this whole writing thing out again.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thankful
I'm thankful for my family.
It's a blessing that I was raised in a home centered on Jesus and with Christian values.
Friends have stood beside me throughout this year, thanks.
To be in a place where no one is stopping me from reading the bible, I don't have to fear someone coming to threaten my life when I worship my God.
With parents who support me even when I make mistakes on accident or when I go headlong into stupidity; they still love me and want to see me succeed.
So here's the thing, I'm writing this because I feel like I haven't kept enough record of what's going on with this past year. I feel blessed with this situation as if God turned a light bulb above my head so people would look at me, and now I feel guilty that I haven't turned your attention to God. Instead I fear that I've taken it as my own spotlight: as if it was my attention to have. Well well well friends, this was never my spotlight.
A challenge would be to, whenever attention is directed your way, calling you good or someone saying good job, do the simple/cheesy thing and tell them it's not you but God in you that did the good thing.
Be like the football players who point up after they win a game, or score a touchdown.
Sorry this is so random, but I just got stuff in my brain and I wanna say it.
Think about God's love like a gift, I'm sure you've done this before but really think about it like a Christmas gift. A bunch of years ago He gave you the gift of redemption from sin to be with Him. Then maybe one day you accepted that gift and "played" with it for awhile. You enjoyed God's company and read His words and did His work. Then slowly you found other toys that looked more exciting and grabbed your attention more. You may have even gone back to that one toy, that God thing but it wasn't your favorite toy now. Is that redemption gift sitting in the corner just collecting dust?
The reason why I'm trying to convict you of this what I would say wrong is because I am guilty of it just the same. There's been plenty of times in my life when I the bible was my favorite "toy" but lately it's been just a toy I talk about. " Oh man, remember how cool this toy was back in the day?" God is not the toy of yesterday. He is still relevant, real and ready to be interacted with.
God bless your day and
Keep on living, because that's what I plan to do, and blog another day.
It's a blessing that I was raised in a home centered on Jesus and with Christian values.
Friends have stood beside me throughout this year, thanks.
To be in a place where no one is stopping me from reading the bible, I don't have to fear someone coming to threaten my life when I worship my God.
With parents who support me even when I make mistakes on accident or when I go headlong into stupidity; they still love me and want to see me succeed.
So here's the thing, I'm writing this because I feel like I haven't kept enough record of what's going on with this past year. I feel blessed with this situation as if God turned a light bulb above my head so people would look at me, and now I feel guilty that I haven't turned your attention to God. Instead I fear that I've taken it as my own spotlight: as if it was my attention to have. Well well well friends, this was never my spotlight.
A challenge would be to, whenever attention is directed your way, calling you good or someone saying good job, do the simple/cheesy thing and tell them it's not you but God in you that did the good thing.
Be like the football players who point up after they win a game, or score a touchdown.
Sorry this is so random, but I just got stuff in my brain and I wanna say it.
Think about God's love like a gift, I'm sure you've done this before but really think about it like a Christmas gift. A bunch of years ago He gave you the gift of redemption from sin to be with Him. Then maybe one day you accepted that gift and "played" with it for awhile. You enjoyed God's company and read His words and did His work. Then slowly you found other toys that looked more exciting and grabbed your attention more. You may have even gone back to that one toy, that God thing but it wasn't your favorite toy now. Is that redemption gift sitting in the corner just collecting dust?
The reason why I'm trying to convict you of this what I would say wrong is because I am guilty of it just the same. There's been plenty of times in my life when I the bible was my favorite "toy" but lately it's been just a toy I talk about. " Oh man, remember how cool this toy was back in the day?" God is not the toy of yesterday. He is still relevant, real and ready to be interacted with.
God bless your day and
Keep on living, because that's what I plan to do, and blog another day.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Judge the Hell out of Me
Yesterday marked ELEVEN months since my lady doctor diagnosed me with Pre-B Cell ALL(Leukemia) date. After initial conversation about how the doctor knew I was sick a few tears and a lot of shock and prayer she had told me I could die in about a month. Here I stand ten0 months after a day when I could have died. To me, this is significant I know my God heals, saves, and protect those who love Him. (Rom 8:28)
I'm not trying to diminish this incredible journey I've been on or scare anyone into the idea that you could just fall over dead today but . . . earth isn't it.
Throughout my whole journey I've held on to a few things. One, that God loves me: obviously this was my center. With that being my center it led me to a place where I could see that even if death were this close to me it wouldn't matter, my faith is in God and I trust He will take care of me. If I am wrong about God, and His eternal residency for His children that love Him, then whoops? As far as I'm concerned though, I'm not wrong.
The forever life is basically impossible for me to fully understand. What I do get is that my "cancer" experience isn't much difference than the every day for all of us. I've had possibly more discomfort than some and a few, well a lot more hospital nights than most over this past year with enough blood taken out of me to feed more mosquitoes than I would ever like to see. Any and all of the discomforts and fears from this experience though just opened my eyes to the reality that this can't be the only place to "live". I do very much enjoy the YOLO train but that's because I view it more as a "take advantage of today" kind of motto. Back on track though. (See what I did there, YOLO train, back on track, tehehe.) I don't want to point out all the things in a day that could stop life here, I just want to say . . . We are called mortal for a reason. A death is a death from cancer or from a car crash or choking on steak. If you are a "christian" then stand up and act like a Christian following what His word says. I do wrong, I miss the when I'm shooting to be right, I need correction. When I am caught wronging my God show me, teach me how to right Him and I will thank you deeply.
Done preaching now I'm going to rant/ramble about what's been going on with cancer and yatta yatta whatnot. So my back hurts like crazy right now, if I take a seat or try to lay down it hurts like 10x worse. Have you ever tried typing something on a Macbook while standing up though? Without a perfectly positioned table at the right height, maybe I should go find one in my house somewhere . . . Brb.
Just kidding, we're actually going back in time to a week ago when I got my spinal tap, last Thursday my lady doctor started poking around on my spine with her finger to see where she wanted to insert the needle and I told her that it hurt, she said it was just nerves. I dunno. It feels like a nerve is being pinched between two vertah-bra's. I got some sleepy drugs after that had put on some numbing cream and gave me pain medication and forget-yo-life drugs, which I normally call drugs but I guess it's not really sleeping. I woke up and dang for the next like 24 hours that spot hurt so bad I got to see one of my best friends BLACK uncle's propose to his (now) fiancé, which was pretty rad because He's black. I'm kind of partial to darker skinned people, must be the mexican in me. It was a good pre-Thanksgiving meal with some friends and some strangers always a pleasure to be with their family though. After the 24 hours was over though I was done walking like an old man pretty much. Whatever, God heals and I keep walking. Actually walking is fine, sitting and laying down are the only uncomfortable parts (on today not last week.)
Keep on living, because that's what I plan to do, and blog another day.
I'm not trying to diminish this incredible journey I've been on or scare anyone into the idea that you could just fall over dead today but . . . earth isn't it.
Throughout my whole journey I've held on to a few things. One, that God loves me: obviously this was my center. With that being my center it led me to a place where I could see that even if death were this close to me it wouldn't matter, my faith is in God and I trust He will take care of me. If I am wrong about God, and His eternal residency for His children that love Him, then whoops? As far as I'm concerned though, I'm not wrong.
The forever life is basically impossible for me to fully understand. What I do get is that my "cancer" experience isn't much difference than the every day for all of us. I've had possibly more discomfort than some and a few, well a lot more hospital nights than most over this past year with enough blood taken out of me to feed more mosquitoes than I would ever like to see. Any and all of the discomforts and fears from this experience though just opened my eyes to the reality that this can't be the only place to "live". I do very much enjoy the YOLO train but that's because I view it more as a "take advantage of today" kind of motto. Back on track though. (See what I did there, YOLO train, back on track, tehehe.) I don't want to point out all the things in a day that could stop life here, I just want to say . . . We are called mortal for a reason. A death is a death from cancer or from a car crash or choking on steak. If you are a "christian" then stand up and act like a Christian following what His word says. I do wrong, I miss the when I'm shooting to be right, I need correction. When I am caught wronging my God show me, teach me how to right Him and I will thank you deeply.
Done preaching now I'm going to rant/ramble about what's been going on with cancer and yatta yatta whatnot. So my back hurts like crazy right now, if I take a seat or try to lay down it hurts like 10x worse. Have you ever tried typing something on a Macbook while standing up though? Without a perfectly positioned table at the right height, maybe I should go find one in my house somewhere . . . Brb.
Just kidding, we're actually going back in time to a week ago when I got my spinal tap, last Thursday my lady doctor started poking around on my spine with her finger to see where she wanted to insert the needle and I told her that it hurt, she said it was just nerves. I dunno. It feels like a nerve is being pinched between two vertah-bra's. I got some sleepy drugs after that had put on some numbing cream and gave me pain medication and forget-yo-life drugs, which I normally call drugs but I guess it's not really sleeping. I woke up and dang for the next like 24 hours that spot hurt so bad I got to see one of my best friends BLACK uncle's propose to his (now) fiancé, which was pretty rad because He's black. I'm kind of partial to darker skinned people, must be the mexican in me. It was a good pre-Thanksgiving meal with some friends and some strangers always a pleasure to be with their family though. After the 24 hours was over though I was done walking like an old man pretty much. Whatever, God heals and I keep walking. Actually walking is fine, sitting and laying down are the only uncomfortable parts (on today not last week.)
Keep on living, because that's what I plan to do, and blog another day.
One Saturday in September
I'll be writing in a linear non linear pattern today. With the the hope and head knowledge that someone will re-write this one day and fix all of my awful grammar and random sentence breaks. I just want to spew information from my brain onto you guys.
The word friend isn't something I throw around everywhere.
Usually if I call you friend you qualify with
_Helping me become stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually: just in general our relationship is beneficial to me. Also, to you. Our "friendship" has to benefit you as well, these two things must be joined together; you helping me, and me helping you.
Lean on me, when your not strong. If you do I will lean on you, when I'm not strong.
This may seem like just a random intimate fact about me but for some reason I wanted to preface the fact that basically my bestestestest friend Josh came and stayed with my family and I in Washington for a week and last night he went back to be among the Oklahomans. Last night was a weird night because I didn't go to bed knowing someone was on a bed a few feet from me. Thankfully my parents are home all day because it's Saturday and they aren't working so I do have the luxury of their presence. I am very driven by people. My mom and I discussed planning a winter retreat for our church on the ride home from Sea-Tac. She asked me "what do you want to do at this retreat?" Since I've been so weak lately, I really, truly just enjoy sitting around. I'm not strong enough to do a whole lot especially this week so I had this weak mentality in my mind. What sounds like a junk load of fun is getting a bunch of people to go hang out at some cabin in the middle of no where with snow falling outside, then sending everyone with energy out into the snow. I would be fine knowing people are near me, the people are coming back to me when they finish up their stuff, I can work on my blog, read my bible, listen to music clearly, I can do almost anything just knowing that I won't be physically alone all day and all night.
I guess that's all I have to write for this morning but I plan on writing more as the day continues as my brothers pick up the house and my parents rush around the house working on some cool programs they run at church.
(day of posting)
I never got around to adding anything more to this post so, that sucks. But since I'm here again I guess it's time for another page!
The word friend isn't something I throw around everywhere.
Usually if I call you friend you qualify with
_Helping me become stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually: just in general our relationship is beneficial to me. Also, to you. Our "friendship" has to benefit you as well, these two things must be joined together; you helping me, and me helping you.
Lean on me, when your not strong. If you do I will lean on you, when I'm not strong.
This may seem like just a random intimate fact about me but for some reason I wanted to preface the fact that basically my bestestestest friend Josh came and stayed with my family and I in Washington for a week and last night he went back to be among the Oklahomans. Last night was a weird night because I didn't go to bed knowing someone was on a bed a few feet from me. Thankfully my parents are home all day because it's Saturday and they aren't working so I do have the luxury of their presence. I am very driven by people. My mom and I discussed planning a winter retreat for our church on the ride home from Sea-Tac. She asked me "what do you want to do at this retreat?" Since I've been so weak lately, I really, truly just enjoy sitting around. I'm not strong enough to do a whole lot especially this week so I had this weak mentality in my mind. What sounds like a junk load of fun is getting a bunch of people to go hang out at some cabin in the middle of no where with snow falling outside, then sending everyone with energy out into the snow. I would be fine knowing people are near me, the people are coming back to me when they finish up their stuff, I can work on my blog, read my bible, listen to music clearly, I can do almost anything just knowing that I won't be physically alone all day and all night.
I guess that's all I have to write for this morning but I plan on writing more as the day continues as my brothers pick up the house and my parents rush around the house working on some cool programs they run at church.
(day of posting)
I never got around to adding anything more to this post so, that sucks. But since I'm here again I guess it's time for another page!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Puke-opolis
To the city in Puke-opolis:
I Jeffrey a servant of Christ have been inspire to send words to you. There are a few of your townspeople that I know; however not all of you. There is a God that I serve that is stronger than our weakness: this disease. When the acid flows from my mouth and I tremble in pain, or fear of death there is comfort. Gosh my throat hurts when I cough and I can't seem to get this junk out. Yet somehow I can't seem to wipe this dumb grin off my face. The beauty of this now being all I have. Yolo! But this isn't even life, this is basically pre-life. To anyone who is ailed with this I pray for right now. May God bless your stomach, your body and your throat. Let His servants find you. These children want to protect you, and watch you heal: to be your care takers. I am very weak; I have care takers. Thank God for every single one of them. Without men and woman standing with me as my body wages war with itself I would fail. God's children are His hand in my life, let His hands touch you.
Spread what I have to say to those on the outskirts of your city and any that can benefit.
i don't claim to be perfect i usually am wrong with what i say i over complicate things and i try to mix myself where I'm not need I'm angry at some who love me so deeply i push when i need to pull my words can be clutter and confuse this is not my intent what i want you to see is that i am just one who seeks after a life that is more than earth in the only way my mind can understand i wish i read a bible every day prayed all the time and ministered in every moment/opportunity these things can't save faith hope and love can
Romans 8:28
Dare you to check it out and think about legitimately loving someone(God) who makes things work.
I Jeffrey a servant of Christ have been inspire to send words to you. There are a few of your townspeople that I know; however not all of you. There is a God that I serve that is stronger than our weakness: this disease. When the acid flows from my mouth and I tremble in pain, or fear of death there is comfort. Gosh my throat hurts when I cough and I can't seem to get this junk out. Yet somehow I can't seem to wipe this dumb grin off my face. The beauty of this now being all I have. Yolo! But this isn't even life, this is basically pre-life. To anyone who is ailed with this I pray for right now. May God bless your stomach, your body and your throat. Let His servants find you. These children want to protect you, and watch you heal: to be your care takers. I am very weak; I have care takers. Thank God for every single one of them. Without men and woman standing with me as my body wages war with itself I would fail. God's children are His hand in my life, let His hands touch you.
Spread what I have to say to those on the outskirts of your city and any that can benefit.
i don't claim to be perfect i usually am wrong with what i say i over complicate things and i try to mix myself where I'm not need I'm angry at some who love me so deeply i push when i need to pull my words can be clutter and confuse this is not my intent what i want you to see is that i am just one who seeks after a life that is more than earth in the only way my mind can understand i wish i read a bible every day prayed all the time and ministered in every moment/opportunity these things can't save faith hope and love can
Romans 8:28
Dare you to check it out and think about legitimately loving someone(God) who makes things work.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Worth it.
Gah I don't even know what to blog about. I can't describe at all what's going on and I have no idea how to say anything right now.
What I do know is there is a pain for days in my body and it's super-duper uncomfortable and I kind of hate it. But God like teaches me so much stuff through this all.
I literally don't know what to say at all, for one of the few times in my life I don't feel like I have anything to say at all but there's a message inside of me to give to you.
I've asked for this pain to go away, it has gone away on a few occasions with the help of pain killers and a few hours of sleep. But then it finally dawned on me this morning/last night: God doesn't owe it to us to make us comfortable. THE CREATOR of the UNIVERSE doesn't HAVE to do anything for you.
I guess it feels like I'm trying to make God sound like some angry jerk who's too busy for me but that's not it at all.
Seriously I can't squeeze it out of my head what I'm thinking right now so I'm going to speak plainly.
God is sovereign. He saved, made me and has trained me to face tasks. Much like a child who might not want to understand why he can't have an extra cookie, I just want a cookie.
I don't understand why I can't have my cookie (a painless day, a normal feeling, strong day) but I do trust, God has a plan, He is making/made a place where I can have all the cookies I want and the day I have cookies doesn't have to be today.
I understand this, and I want you to as well, I'm unsure to help you understand but please, if you claim Jesus name at all, claim it, love it, live by His name. There is no point in faking a relationship.
God doesn't deserve to be mocked. God will not make your earthly life perfect, or 100% enjoyable but I hold on to my strength every day
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2021:4&version=HCSB
there will be a day, when He will wipe away all my tears.
and believe me, there are tears.
What I do know is there is a pain for days in my body and it's super-duper uncomfortable and I kind of hate it. But God like teaches me so much stuff through this all.
I literally don't know what to say at all, for one of the few times in my life I don't feel like I have anything to say at all but there's a message inside of me to give to you.
I've asked for this pain to go away, it has gone away on a few occasions with the help of pain killers and a few hours of sleep. But then it finally dawned on me this morning/last night: God doesn't owe it to us to make us comfortable. THE CREATOR of the UNIVERSE doesn't HAVE to do anything for you.
I guess it feels like I'm trying to make God sound like some angry jerk who's too busy for me but that's not it at all.
Seriously I can't squeeze it out of my head what I'm thinking right now so I'm going to speak plainly.
God is sovereign. He saved, made me and has trained me to face tasks. Much like a child who might not want to understand why he can't have an extra cookie, I just want a cookie.
I don't understand why I can't have my cookie (a painless day, a normal feeling, strong day) but I do trust, God has a plan, He is making/made a place where I can have all the cookies I want and the day I have cookies doesn't have to be today.
I understand this, and I want you to as well, I'm unsure to help you understand but please, if you claim Jesus name at all, claim it, love it, live by His name. There is no point in faking a relationship.
God doesn't deserve to be mocked. God will not make your earthly life perfect, or 100% enjoyable but I hold on to my strength every day
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2021:4&version=HCSB
there will be a day, when He will wipe away all my tears.
and believe me, there are tears.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Singlebomb
Being single it's a big deal.
Spreading your attention between two people and two things is no easy task. The only way being coupled with another human of the opposite gender is if they unite for God'e growth. To put all that time and effort into one other flesh when you already place so much time and affection into yourself. Where is the time for work where is the time to be with God, being productive?
There's time for you and if your lucky time for God when your single but when your yolked with someone else how much more difficult is it to incorporate others into the mix. If you are one to be a whole egg for God then by all means do it.
But friend do not forget that this time of your life when you have FREEDOM not being tied to another, for God. If you know me at all you know how much of a struggle this is for me I do love women and I can hardly wait to be with my beautiful bride to be SOMEDAY, but what if there is a specific task I can, should and perhaps even need to do while I am wholly lonely from another flesh.
My wife and I will intercede for the lost, the broken, minister to His children and we will be dangerous against the enemy. But I keep coming back to it. Is there something that I, we should do before we are tied to another?(Us signalers) All the spare time I have away from conversations with her, no specific face in mind to pray for and protect at all times.
Sub-text:I just learned that someone who is 30 died with Leukemia. I pray for this Family's loss. I pray they cope and I pray that people would find God in knowing how short this life is. I add this sub-text in because that could be me in 11 years. How much more can I do in 11 years without devoting this life on a wife? Sub-Sub Text: I learned that this guy (Tony)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zIaZ_0IUKc&feature=plcp
is going to die (according to human doctors) in a few months I do not know where his faith lies, i haven't met him yet although I am trying to get ahold of him. He has leukemia too. I believe God can heal his flesh stronger than any doctor. He is the great doctor. But I more greatly pray for his heart, soul, and flesh that he would love Jesus and believe on THE LORD and be saved from damnation because if his flesh dies here it matters not. There will be a new creation: with no pain. =]
I wait and wait and seek and urge to have a wife some day! But what can I accomplish now without her in my life: how can I be dangerous without her so that when I am with her we become so much more dangerous for God and help Christ together.
Chemistry lesson. Take two highly explosive chemicals, Hydrogen and Oxygen. They are both dangerous stuff they can blow stuff up with just a little spark. Which is needed to provide fire warmth heat and activity. Without a fire ablaze how will "they know where to flock to?" but then when they reach the fire if the two chemicals meet together and join to make h2o can there be sustainance in water?
Use your single dangerousness to bring the flock and if you feel called to change once they have been flocked, meet with another and be united to form a sustainable resource. BOOM!
No intimate prayer at the end this time. I just ask that my God would bless whoever reads this. If my words are just from my mouth, my mind, they will fade from your hear. Hear God's words, hear Him.
Spreading your attention between two people and two things is no easy task. The only way being coupled with another human of the opposite gender is if they unite for God'e growth. To put all that time and effort into one other flesh when you already place so much time and affection into yourself. Where is the time for work where is the time to be with God, being productive?
There's time for you and if your lucky time for God when your single but when your yolked with someone else how much more difficult is it to incorporate others into the mix. If you are one to be a whole egg for God then by all means do it.
But friend do not forget that this time of your life when you have FREEDOM not being tied to another, for God. If you know me at all you know how much of a struggle this is for me I do love women and I can hardly wait to be with my beautiful bride to be SOMEDAY, but what if there is a specific task I can, should and perhaps even need to do while I am wholly lonely from another flesh.
My wife and I will intercede for the lost, the broken, minister to His children and we will be dangerous against the enemy. But I keep coming back to it. Is there something that I, we should do before we are tied to another?(Us signalers) All the spare time I have away from conversations with her, no specific face in mind to pray for and protect at all times.
Sub-text:I just learned that someone who is 30 died with Leukemia. I pray for this Family's loss. I pray they cope and I pray that people would find God in knowing how short this life is. I add this sub-text in because that could be me in 11 years. How much more can I do in 11 years without devoting this life on a wife? Sub-Sub Text: I learned that this guy (Tony)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zIaZ_0IUKc&feature=plcp
is going to die (according to human doctors) in a few months I do not know where his faith lies, i haven't met him yet although I am trying to get ahold of him. He has leukemia too. I believe God can heal his flesh stronger than any doctor. He is the great doctor. But I more greatly pray for his heart, soul, and flesh that he would love Jesus and believe on THE LORD and be saved from damnation because if his flesh dies here it matters not. There will be a new creation: with no pain. =]
I wait and wait and seek and urge to have a wife some day! But what can I accomplish now without her in my life: how can I be dangerous without her so that when I am with her we become so much more dangerous for God and help Christ together.
Chemistry lesson. Take two highly explosive chemicals, Hydrogen and Oxygen. They are both dangerous stuff they can blow stuff up with just a little spark. Which is needed to provide fire warmth heat and activity. Without a fire ablaze how will "they know where to flock to?" but then when they reach the fire if the two chemicals meet together and join to make h2o can there be sustainance in water?
Use your single dangerousness to bring the flock and if you feel called to change once they have been flocked, meet with another and be united to form a sustainable resource. BOOM!
No intimate prayer at the end this time. I just ask that my God would bless whoever reads this. If my words are just from my mouth, my mind, they will fade from your hear. Hear God's words, hear Him.
Starved and fat, thirsty and overflowing
I'll just get right into this before I lose my train of thought and nothing makes sense.
I've had another rough chemo-tastic week, filled with steroids that make me insatiably hungry but turn everything into a disgusting taste after just awhile. My mouth has been again condemned with slight sores, which really just plays into the whole gross mouth feeling thing.
Water really isn't too appetizing when the mouth is so filled with disgusting, when I reached for it every time it didn't satisfy the way I was hoping it would. Longing for a washing away of the grossness feeling. Not drinking makes me super dehydrated too and when a chemo man gets dehydrated bad stuff happens. I don't even know, my hips felt like they were going to explode and then I got a pinched nerve feeling in my spine that cause STUPID painful convulsions in my stomach, super weird.
That's the physical and now onto the spiritual.
Have you ever been so hungry that you aren't hungry any more? Have you ever been so dehydrated for so long it seems pointless to get something to quench it?
I can't say I've had this in the physical but there have been moments or long spurts in my life where I was so far from God I couldn't taste Him or feel Him near my belly and I wasn't satisfied. I'm not writing to convert, I'm writing to explain my head, my emotions, my feelings, be convicted if you chose to.
Rapping up this short, seemingly direct post I'd like to say.
It was a week of my life, a week I endured painfully with the help of the family, sleep some INCREDIBLE friends and no matter how far my mind/spirit drifted from me, my God.
He will quench. He is water.
He will satisfy, He is bread.
I've had another rough chemo-tastic week, filled with steroids that make me insatiably hungry but turn everything into a disgusting taste after just awhile. My mouth has been again condemned with slight sores, which really just plays into the whole gross mouth feeling thing.
Water really isn't too appetizing when the mouth is so filled with disgusting, when I reached for it every time it didn't satisfy the way I was hoping it would. Longing for a washing away of the grossness feeling. Not drinking makes me super dehydrated too and when a chemo man gets dehydrated bad stuff happens. I don't even know, my hips felt like they were going to explode and then I got a pinched nerve feeling in my spine that cause STUPID painful convulsions in my stomach, super weird.
That's the physical and now onto the spiritual.
Have you ever been so hungry that you aren't hungry any more? Have you ever been so dehydrated for so long it seems pointless to get something to quench it?
I can't say I've had this in the physical but there have been moments or long spurts in my life where I was so far from God I couldn't taste Him or feel Him near my belly and I wasn't satisfied. I'm not writing to convert, I'm writing to explain my head, my emotions, my feelings, be convicted if you chose to.
Rapping up this short, seemingly direct post I'd like to say.
It was a week of my life, a week I endured painfully with the help of the family, sleep some INCREDIBLE friends and no matter how far my mind/spirit drifted from me, my God.
He will quench. He is water.
He will satisfy, He is bread.
It's like Roid rage, only I'm happy
Gawrsh, it's almost 3 AM and I'm supposed to be meeting my pastor at 9AM to sorta job shadow.
I'm going to be late first of all, but if I do make it at anywhere near the time we planned I will be tired; but drugs help and their also part of the reason I'm here: it's steroid week.
SIDE EFFECT STEROIDS:Insomnia?
Hahaha, I forgot because last time I was on them I felt like poop and I just wanted to sleep all the time. Fortunately for both of us, I'm not tired, I'm inspired and I'm ready to write. Sadly, I'm a little scatter brained as well. Hold on.
Okay so I really kind of want to preach, I never thought I'd say that. I was laying here trying to sleep and it came to me, I need to read through the entire bible, like really bad. Now I'm thinking about how inspiring I feel when people like my status on Facebook when they're about Jesus. A biblically based inspiration Facebook status is pretty much preaching? Woah, brain melt. I like doing it a lot though, and I'm almost disappointed when I don't do it more often. I guess that's why I'm going to creep on my pastor later and learn. I don't feel called to you snow heads though, I love you and I pray you love Jesus. But I've learned in my life, although I'm praying to grow in this area, those older than me aren't my specialty. If you don't think I'm cool, my words mean a lot less. Some people older than me think I'm cool but, she's not that old. Love you mom ;]
Yatta yatta, preachy time.
SERIOUSLY IF YOU CLAIM TO LOVE JESUS READ THIS.
I'm young and at times I can be naive.(I googled this word like 6 times to spell it) Pretty much everyone loves love though. Even stupid narcissistic(that is people who are VERY into themselves) people love love! We like attention, or I do and I THINK most people do. SO if someone wrote you like 52 love letters, before you were ever born and sent them all to you. Then you find out this person did so much other stuff just so they could be with you. Like prepared a (house) place for you to live and gathered enough wealth to take care of you forever. When you finally found these letters wouldn't you eat them up no matter how "BORING" you thought they were? "Guhh this part was stupid why did they even include this?" Wouldn't you still just for the sake of being able to tell this lovely person you read them all, read every letter AT LEAST ONCE? To me it seems pretty rude, retarded, selfish, and just straight up douchy to claim love to someone who did all that for you and then not even read those letters.
oh yea, that's THE BIBLE. SO
read it maybe?
It's funny that I just wrote all of that, because when I jumped out of my bed turned my light on and ran to my computer neither of those things were really on my mind and the thing I was really thinking about totally left my mind. I pray that's not the bad guys distractions. I pray that God had a plan for me to write this instead.
Cool cool, cool cool cool. I'm tired. I can't think of anything else and I got to grow a relationship I never though I would further. A productive visit with the early hours of the morning.
Although there is one more thing that's on my mind.
A few days ago I posted something on Facebook because it was like melting my forehead and I had to say it. But I'm pretty sure it made no sense without context and without what I really meant it seemed like it missed because I got like 2 likes, and for reals. that's not enough for me.
I'm probably addicted to likes, just saying.
It's the sunday afternoon 2 days post our return from a week at Pacific Beach. I slept/rested most of the trip. The week I got the day we left and the chemo week before that pretty much made me feel like a sac of pooop. I still feel like poop on this Sunday but I finally decided that I'd try to do something and see if moving would make me feel better so I decide to mow the equivalent of 3-4 front yards and edge make it all look pretty. Then I was going to wash my car but I got tired. Anyways it came to me that I'd rather make it to the end of a day and be ridiculously tired and say man I wish I had more energy to complete the tasks I had laid out before me. Because most days I just go to bed because the sun is down, or everyone else in my house goes to sleep or I know I need to wake up at a certain time. Rarely do I finish something and just say, wow I can't go any further I need to stop and get some energy in the form of sleep or food. Making for lots of wasted energy and for lots of "I wish we had more day to spend". Maybe we do have more day to spend, we just don't use it right.
Bla bla bla, use your energy, grind your fingers till they fall off, keep walking till it hurts. run till you can't. There is a resting place, this isn't it. We are the job site, the work zone, except once a week. ;]
Yea I think that's it. Now I have to go finish the other two I write like a week ago and forgot to finish haha. Blog morning!
Love Jeffrey
I'm going to be late first of all, but if I do make it at anywhere near the time we planned I will be tired; but drugs help and their also part of the reason I'm here: it's steroid week.
SIDE EFFECT STEROIDS:Insomnia?
Hahaha, I forgot because last time I was on them I felt like poop and I just wanted to sleep all the time. Fortunately for both of us, I'm not tired, I'm inspired and I'm ready to write. Sadly, I'm a little scatter brained as well. Hold on.
Okay so I really kind of want to preach, I never thought I'd say that. I was laying here trying to sleep and it came to me, I need to read through the entire bible, like really bad. Now I'm thinking about how inspiring I feel when people like my status on Facebook when they're about Jesus. A biblically based inspiration Facebook status is pretty much preaching? Woah, brain melt. I like doing it a lot though, and I'm almost disappointed when I don't do it more often. I guess that's why I'm going to creep on my pastor later and learn. I don't feel called to you snow heads though, I love you and I pray you love Jesus. But I've learned in my life, although I'm praying to grow in this area, those older than me aren't my specialty. If you don't think I'm cool, my words mean a lot less. Some people older than me think I'm cool but, she's not that old. Love you mom ;]
Yatta yatta, preachy time.
SERIOUSLY IF YOU CLAIM TO LOVE JESUS READ THIS.
I'm young and at times I can be naive.(I googled this word like 6 times to spell it) Pretty much everyone loves love though. Even stupid narcissistic(that is people who are VERY into themselves) people love love! We like attention, or I do and I THINK most people do. SO if someone wrote you like 52 love letters, before you were ever born and sent them all to you. Then you find out this person did so much other stuff just so they could be with you. Like prepared a (house) place for you to live and gathered enough wealth to take care of you forever. When you finally found these letters wouldn't you eat them up no matter how "BORING" you thought they were? "Guhh this part was stupid why did they even include this?" Wouldn't you still just for the sake of being able to tell this lovely person you read them all, read every letter AT LEAST ONCE? To me it seems pretty rude, retarded, selfish, and just straight up douchy to claim love to someone who did all that for you and then not even read those letters.
oh yea, that's THE BIBLE. SO
read it maybe?
It's funny that I just wrote all of that, because when I jumped out of my bed turned my light on and ran to my computer neither of those things were really on my mind and the thing I was really thinking about totally left my mind. I pray that's not the bad guys distractions. I pray that God had a plan for me to write this instead.
Cool cool, cool cool cool. I'm tired. I can't think of anything else and I got to grow a relationship I never though I would further. A productive visit with the early hours of the morning.
Although there is one more thing that's on my mind.
A few days ago I posted something on Facebook because it was like melting my forehead and I had to say it. But I'm pretty sure it made no sense without context and without what I really meant it seemed like it missed because I got like 2 likes, and for reals. that's not enough for me.
I'm probably addicted to likes, just saying.
It's the sunday afternoon 2 days post our return from a week at Pacific Beach. I slept/rested most of the trip. The week I got the day we left and the chemo week before that pretty much made me feel like a sac of pooop. I still feel like poop on this Sunday but I finally decided that I'd try to do something and see if moving would make me feel better so I decide to mow the equivalent of 3-4 front yards and edge make it all look pretty. Then I was going to wash my car but I got tired. Anyways it came to me that I'd rather make it to the end of a day and be ridiculously tired and say man I wish I had more energy to complete the tasks I had laid out before me. Because most days I just go to bed because the sun is down, or everyone else in my house goes to sleep or I know I need to wake up at a certain time. Rarely do I finish something and just say, wow I can't go any further I need to stop and get some energy in the form of sleep or food. Making for lots of wasted energy and for lots of "I wish we had more day to spend". Maybe we do have more day to spend, we just don't use it right.
Bla bla bla, use your energy, grind your fingers till they fall off, keep walking till it hurts. run till you can't. There is a resting place, this isn't it. We are the job site, the work zone, except once a week. ;]
Yea I think that's it. Now I have to go finish the other two I write like a week ago and forgot to finish haha. Blog morning!
Love Jeffrey
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
10 Minutes Left
In a discussion I had recently,(today actually) I asked my conversee what they would do if they had 10 minutes left to live. They had no response and only replied with "You go first".
What a question. Usually I think things like this are a bit cheesy and just stupidly pointless. My mind thought otherwise this time. I raced around my brain to decide on answers. I stated I would hug my mom, call my best friend what was curious to me though, was that the first thing I remember saying was "I'd write"
Woah what? 10 minutes left to live and I want to write things down? I explained that when I was a bit younger I probably wouldn't have said something quite like this, I would have taken a more frivolous route. Thank G-d, and I do mean Him: I said write.
Really though what would I write? If I had 10 minutes to live I must think there is some sort of power in words. Words written down have the power of life and death much like the tongue has. See Prov 18:21
Spending my last few minutes of life writing, knowing I think they have some sort of power shows, there must be some sort of words, a gift of wisdom, or power, or knowledge, or really anything must be inside of this writing.
The things I thought of writing were to all my closest friends letting them know what happened. (which in this context I have no idea what that was) I also considered writing to any reader, letting them know about Yeshua, of His love and ultimate forgiveness, assuring them I could some day meet them if they fell in love with Him also.
I'm grateful I have more than 10 minutes left to live. I pray I use the time I have beyond these 10 minutes to do great things. I pray that God uses me every second and every minute here spending all of my time on Him, for Him, for the one day I will be with Him.
A woman once prophesied over me, that I would write things that would break sin, and the chains of the enemy off of His children. Many times have I forgotten of this blessing, I pray it happen no more. No one can hinder me, I am His hand.
Do not forsake your talents friends, do not forget what God has given you, use your gifts. We are the body, and if one of our gifts is used wrongly, poorly, out of God's character or not used, we won't be working as effectively as we could be. And God WILL replace you if you are lax. (Luke 19:40 cry out!)
Bless you friend.
What a question. Usually I think things like this are a bit cheesy and just stupidly pointless. My mind thought otherwise this time. I raced around my brain to decide on answers. I stated I would hug my mom, call my best friend what was curious to me though, was that the first thing I remember saying was "I'd write"
Woah what? 10 minutes left to live and I want to write things down? I explained that when I was a bit younger I probably wouldn't have said something quite like this, I would have taken a more frivolous route. Thank G-d, and I do mean Him: I said write.
Really though what would I write? If I had 10 minutes to live I must think there is some sort of power in words. Words written down have the power of life and death much like the tongue has. See Prov 18:21
Spending my last few minutes of life writing, knowing I think they have some sort of power shows, there must be some sort of words, a gift of wisdom, or power, or knowledge, or really anything must be inside of this writing.
The things I thought of writing were to all my closest friends letting them know what happened. (which in this context I have no idea what that was) I also considered writing to any reader, letting them know about Yeshua, of His love and ultimate forgiveness, assuring them I could some day meet them if they fell in love with Him also.
I'm grateful I have more than 10 minutes left to live. I pray I use the time I have beyond these 10 minutes to do great things. I pray that God uses me every second and every minute here spending all of my time on Him, for Him, for the one day I will be with Him.
A woman once prophesied over me, that I would write things that would break sin, and the chains of the enemy off of His children. Many times have I forgotten of this blessing, I pray it happen no more. No one can hinder me, I am His hand.
Do not forsake your talents friends, do not forget what God has given you, use your gifts. We are the body, and if one of our gifts is used wrongly, poorly, out of God's character or not used, we won't be working as effectively as we could be. And God WILL replace you if you are lax. (Luke 19:40 cry out!)
Bless you friend.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
A Cancerous veil
I'm hiding behind my cancer. I use it as an excuse to dodge hard things in my life. It saved me from being pushed into a hard college trip for me right now and it's let me be lazy for the past almost 6 months. I've had trials it has had some hard parts but I've hid behind his thing expecting everything to be given to me.
I hate being lazy, it's not what God wants. I need a challenge when life is easy for me I don't think about hard things in people's life. I haven't thought about how hard it is to be a mom, to have a friend with cancer and complains. I don't know what it's like to be a father who works to provide for his family. I don't have the stress of providing for myself. In this time I've forgotten what it feels to be stressed.
I'm thankful to not be stressed, I don't think God wants me to be stressed. He says not to worry about tomorrow in Matthew 6:34.
There's so many things I feel like I could and should be doing, I don't have time to be lazy but this cancer tries to consume and make me tired so all I want to do is seem like I'm lazy. Can I turn this visual laziness into something good for my Father? Can I still be His hand when I don't think I'm doing anything?
Dear Dad use me, guide me, teach me, let me be your tool even when I'm hidden under boxes and things in a cluttered room. You are supreme, and grand.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Two bummer posts in a row
I just can't handle it. I started writing on paper then I was like shoot. There's quite a lot of people who haven't gone through what I've gone through and aren't going through this. This isn't the worst thing I've experienced in my life and I don't think it will be the hardest fight I go through. So join me.
Only those who know me very well will know that I am an extremely emotional person, I take everything you say deeply into consideration, especially if I view it hurtful. I literally lie awake at night thinking about whether or not certain people do or don't want to be my friends. If what you say about me is right, if I really am those things. I haven't figured out a great way to channel this yet. I'm still working on it. I guess that's why I'm here isn't it? This goes far beyond that though, I think about the future, the past, the present, mostly when no one is around though. Well usually I try to be alone when I fall apart emotionally because I don't like people being bothering them selves with the little problems I try to force upon myself.
I really just wanted to post here because an old friend of mine from Texas really encouraged me to continue writing and explain what it's like for me to go through having cancer, and dealing with chemo.
Bla bla bla, I really want to get good at writing and lose all that mumbling jumbo bimbo that just fills in the cracks of stuff that makes sense, This sentence for instance would be a good idea to get rid of, since it says nothing, but I want to say it, because I want the reader to understand how much I want to be more efficient and a better writing, it's just not happening.
Here, details. I'm in pain. The place I used to call throne is no longer so white in my eyes. When my stomach bites me I try to listen and go where it wants me to go, but sitting in this place is not as pleasurable as it used to be. If I'm lucky to release a bundle of joy it is soon after followed by pain and itching. And the itching persists, somehow all over my body, even for a few hours, it's madness can haunt me.
Onto another set of discomforts, I tried to be strong, when my body was weak, and I have painfully tender blisters covering the bottom of my feet. On more still, the inside of my mouth is plagued with mucositis, yup so, sore throat, mouth is sore, uber sensitive, like I feel the slightest piece of apple could slice open the side of my wall, my lips are chapped and as a result it's hard to open my mouth fully.
That's pretty all for the direct pain I'm dealing with all day long, today I got a mad spell of tiredness where I literally just had to stop and sit for like a half an hour because I just didn't want to move, then I got to lay down, and my stomach started to hurt, oh how these pains play into each other.
As for things I've got the pleasure to enjoy as side effects of the overall chemo experience, well I get cramps from time to time in my legs, usually when I'm not active for awhile, not too often. But I get cramps in the palms of my hands randomly, constantly all day long, everyday. Anyways, I got this rant out of my system, and I feel like I've helped our reader to understand what sort of things I deal with via chemo.
Last words for this post.
The chemo I am enjoying the reprocussions from right now, I believe I will never have to get again, means most of these things I might not have to deal with either, I like this. It helps me remember that this is a tunnel, and there is a light at the end, and I can see it if I look hard enough.
Sometimes, it's okay to look at the wall and say, there is no way out, even if you are lying to be reminded that there is a way to go, and there is a right way to go.
Only those who know me very well will know that I am an extremely emotional person, I take everything you say deeply into consideration, especially if I view it hurtful. I literally lie awake at night thinking about whether or not certain people do or don't want to be my friends. If what you say about me is right, if I really am those things. I haven't figured out a great way to channel this yet. I'm still working on it. I guess that's why I'm here isn't it? This goes far beyond that though, I think about the future, the past, the present, mostly when no one is around though. Well usually I try to be alone when I fall apart emotionally because I don't like people being bothering them selves with the little problems I try to force upon myself.
I really just wanted to post here because an old friend of mine from Texas really encouraged me to continue writing and explain what it's like for me to go through having cancer, and dealing with chemo.
Bla bla bla, I really want to get good at writing and lose all that mumbling jumbo bimbo that just fills in the cracks of stuff that makes sense, This sentence for instance would be a good idea to get rid of, since it says nothing, but I want to say it, because I want the reader to understand how much I want to be more efficient and a better writing, it's just not happening.
Here, details. I'm in pain. The place I used to call throne is no longer so white in my eyes. When my stomach bites me I try to listen and go where it wants me to go, but sitting in this place is not as pleasurable as it used to be. If I'm lucky to release a bundle of joy it is soon after followed by pain and itching. And the itching persists, somehow all over my body, even for a few hours, it's madness can haunt me.
Onto another set of discomforts, I tried to be strong, when my body was weak, and I have painfully tender blisters covering the bottom of my feet. On more still, the inside of my mouth is plagued with mucositis, yup so, sore throat, mouth is sore, uber sensitive, like I feel the slightest piece of apple could slice open the side of my wall, my lips are chapped and as a result it's hard to open my mouth fully.
That's pretty all for the direct pain I'm dealing with all day long, today I got a mad spell of tiredness where I literally just had to stop and sit for like a half an hour because I just didn't want to move, then I got to lay down, and my stomach started to hurt, oh how these pains play into each other.
As for things I've got the pleasure to enjoy as side effects of the overall chemo experience, well I get cramps from time to time in my legs, usually when I'm not active for awhile, not too often. But I get cramps in the palms of my hands randomly, constantly all day long, everyday. Anyways, I got this rant out of my system, and I feel like I've helped our reader to understand what sort of things I deal with via chemo.
Last words for this post.
The chemo I am enjoying the reprocussions from right now, I believe I will never have to get again, means most of these things I might not have to deal with either, I like this. It helps me remember that this is a tunnel, and there is a light at the end, and I can see it if I look hard enough.
Sometimes, it's okay to look at the wall and say, there is no way out, even if you are lying to be reminded that there is a way to go, and there is a right way to go.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
So . . . this is pain.
Sorry guys and lady guys, I haven't written in quite a while, this cycle has been busy, for good reason. I guess it's one of the hardest parts of this treatment. The hospital has become my current home. Pain is someone who comes with me wherever I may go, he's an attached little fella. But this guy pain, oh he's annoying but he's a good teacher. He's not a quick teacher, and you have to study attentively to catch all of what he's talking about.
Crap, so I blinked a few hundred times and looked away about a thousand times and procrastinated for 1000000000seconds. I don't think any of these numbers are accurate but what usually happens during my excited writing happened. I forgot where I was going with this.
Jesus suffered through way more than the pain I will ever know.
Every time I've heard of crucifixion, I imagine a man on a cross having to push up on his nailed feet and hands just to get a breath. Agonizing pain that I understand to breath.
REAL TIME
I might have a fever, might as well go to the hospital tonight since I wasn't planning on sleeping anyways. This is in real time folks, and I'm ADD, this isn't a joke.
I was just sitting here in pain not really breathing mom decided to check temperature and bam 100.9, through many re-checks it ended up lower but she checked it earlier and it was fine. Brb bathroom first.
And over a week later I get back to my blogging.
Basically a bunch of boring medical mumbo jumbo happened and I had some days where I definitely needed to be reminded to praise God because I was in the storm of discomfort and pain.
Here I am though, alive and physically well!
My spirit is broken though. I've caught myself far from my love, far from my God. I am not as intimate with the one who I want to be, I have gotten lazy. I've pushed all immediately gratifying things to my attention. I spend times with my friends, yea it's good to do that, especially for the life I want to live, interacting with people is my life, but it's like going to a party when your girlfriend is sitting at home waiting for you to pick her up because you called and told her you'd be right over.
There is no need to read on from here. I want to post my prayer to God in this moment in case it can encourage you, but these are my words, sent up to the God of the Universe.
Dear God, I miss hearing you. Because I don't listen.
I miss talking to you, because I know you ARE listening.
I miss constantly thinking about you, and watching you move every second. I still recognize your movement when it's "like totally monumental" but the fact that I am alive, is monumental, the fact that I can type is monumental. I mostly just miss being so intimate with you that it was an interruption to have people call me, or get to my destination and have to get out of the car to talk to someone. I'm over using "I miss", and I hate it. I miss having other things to say because you were in my lips. I really miss spilling your works and love out onto every person I encountered. I'm done griping about how wrong I've been. Your insanely huge love blows my mind up! You knew that I was going to walk away and stand you up and wrong you all these times, so many many many times, yet you still died for every single one of us, to let me reach the Father : love. As wrong I am, I believe your sacrifice made me right, and I believe you forgive me. If I am wrong, and you don't forgive me, and I don't get to spend eternity with you, I will live in anguish but that's your choice, I've had many opportunities to just stay with, and have taken just as many steps away from you. Even if you do say depart from me, I never knew you. I love you, because you have already done so much right to me, and done so many good deeds for me, you owe me nothing, I owe you everything. Salvation is icing on the cake really.
God teach me to do your works, help me understand your forgiveness. Most of all God I pray others see I am a man, in love with the God and your The Good in my life.
If you aren't madly in love with God and your reading this. My heart breaks, shatters, it even weeps for you. Talk to me, talk to God, He is there, find the relationship, it's worth every second.
If it doesn't make sense to you but you know you need it, talk to me. I want to see you in Love with my lover, my friend, my father, my God.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
A Blessing Named Hayley
To really feel alone is to be without anyone by my side. I have never felt alone. I have been blessed all my life and especially in my most recent years. All these hours when I lay here in a hospital bed, or on a couch surrounded by the sound of a mindless TV and my goofy Black Lab, I've never been away from people. If there was no "body" near me, I wasn't alone. A great friend of mine has helped me understand that through the power of God words follow us. Try as I might to find a place in the dark to be with myself there is always someone's voice ringing in my ear. As if they were standing right next to me I can hear a friend's ever fainting but never fading whispering.
I think I just noticed a pattern in my writing, which I have to refigure out every time I write. My writings make more sense the further into one specific topic I go. At the beginning of my writing it usually just doesn't make any sense because I'm all excited but no idea how to compose my self. The next segment typically reads like some sort of instruction manuel because I'm really teaching myself what's going on and trying to reason with myself what's going on. So finding the third segment of any of my writing is probably going to be the best piece to read. I think I learned that's pretty normal though, from a great teacher of mine.(Mrs. Munson) I think that's also how writing usually works though, unless your like super pro and you can just sit down and explain every thought instantly in eloquent words. Free writing is essential to effective writing.
My brain wants to convey on a page just this, encouragement is needed in all life. There are lots of ways to exhort though. A hug add's pop to my step sometime. A bag of Cool Ranch doritoes or pizza when hospital food looks disgusting sometimes is more encouraging than seeing 19 people in my room at once. Knowing 300 people pray for me on a daily basis helps. Not that I'm done, but most of all knowing that Jesus thought I was worth dying for helps me remember to live. Having my own lovely mother try to spend every waking moment with me forsaking self at times just to see me do well and to know that I am okay gives me hope that there are incredible women in the world. Sunny days remind me of the great times to come, the great times that shall be had on the Orting trail in the not so cold future. Let's face it, I pull off the bald look, some people who live in Oklahoma don't pull off so well, but the fact that someone would try to put their selves in my shoes shows me I truly am never alone. I began writing this post really because of a great friend who's words linger in my head sometimes when I don't even want them too. Her thoughts convict my heart, even a well placed dream can stop me dead in my sinful tracks. What a blessing is the name Hayley Dawson.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A Fresh Comparison
I guess the reason why I'm writing out this is because I struggle with it. With this whole chemo/cancer thing so many people tell me I can just sit around and it's my job to just get feeling better no matter what it takes but what has happened is I've gotten lazy. I am idle. These are the things I struggle with and I tell you them so that you the reader can help me. Pray for me, write to me, encourage me on these things friends.
It seems like an obvious cliche to say that Idleness is next to laziness. From what I'm learning and have learned this past week with the help of a mister Voddie Baucham, I'd say they're more than cousins. These two are indeed more than brothers or twins. In fact my brain is telling me they are the EXACT SAME.
My analogy is as follows. When you(I'm only using 2nd person because it's way easier for me to write that way) walk into a room and see 10 tasks that NEED(I STRESS) to be done and you chose to sit and do something that isn't a necessity I'd probably throw a vote towards procrastination but that's a different issue. The something you are doing isn't work and isn't furthering anything, hence I deem it idleness, you might as well not be working. Boy this sure sounds like laziness too. Maybe my words have strangled me again and even I'm confused. It seems hard for me to explain myself and my insane ideas.
All I want you to know is that, I view laziness and idleness as the same. Oh yea and God, as far as I understand, doesn't like either.
It seems like an obvious cliche to say that Idleness is next to laziness. From what I'm learning and have learned this past week with the help of a mister Voddie Baucham, I'd say they're more than cousins. These two are indeed more than brothers or twins. In fact my brain is telling me they are the EXACT SAME.
My analogy is as follows. When you(I'm only using 2nd person because it's way easier for me to write that way) walk into a room and see 10 tasks that NEED(I STRESS) to be done and you chose to sit and do something that isn't a necessity I'd probably throw a vote towards procrastination but that's a different issue. The something you are doing isn't work and isn't furthering anything, hence I deem it idleness, you might as well not be working. Boy this sure sounds like laziness too. Maybe my words have strangled me again and even I'm confused. It seems hard for me to explain myself and my insane ideas.
All I want you to know is that, I view laziness and idleness as the same. Oh yea and God, as far as I understand, doesn't like either.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Loneliness to selfishness
So many people are lonely, vast numbers of songs are sung of how they seek someone or something to be with. When does God say He will EVER not be there by us? Do we look hard enough? Do we look to hard? Are we in fact looking for love in all the wrong places. If two people hug but one says he is alone, doesn't he become selfish. It's as if the hug isn't enough for him, he doesn't acknowledge it as a hug because he's looking just to please himself. Hug back.
On a slightly different note. I've been feeling pretty good physically lately and when people ask me how I'm doing I say awesome. But am I really? Does being in good physical health make my emotional health right? Or my emotional health translate to my mental and then to spiritual? I'd say I'm not doing awesome. I feel good, but I've got work to find balance.
Life's like a jar, in order to fit everything in, things must be placed in the jar in just the right order. Or God can just use the blender and cram them all in however He wants.
Seriously, have a great day. =]
On a slightly different note. I've been feeling pretty good physically lately and when people ask me how I'm doing I say awesome. But am I really? Does being in good physical health make my emotional health right? Or my emotional health translate to my mental and then to spiritual? I'd say I'm not doing awesome. I feel good, but I've got work to find balance.
Life's like a jar, in order to fit everything in, things must be placed in the jar in just the right order. Or God can just use the blender and cram them all in however He wants.
Seriously, have a great day. =]
Friday, March 2, 2012
Thank God I'm not the One.
Religion can be lead by the wisest of elders.
Society led by the most knowledgeable and strongest leaders. Fights will be won in both scenarios.
Things will go well when the head is strong and capable. I don't believe it ends there though.
I have incredible parents, in school I'd say my teachers were good, perhaps a few of them did better than others. The perfect human example has been placed in my life in the form of Jesus. Not that I like to call it religion but The Bible has been placed in my life to follow. I'm trying to say that, the hand I've been dealt is great, but by some standards, I'm not doing so great with it.
I'm not saying i'm doing an awful job, I could be a lot "worse" off than where I am now with my life. What I'm thinking about is what about the other people, who are 19, who have already been to foreign countries doing things that really matter to them and that are effecting the entire world. Yes, yes I've been to mexico on a mission trip, but I went because it was cool, not because I was trying to forward Jesus. There are people who have taken the time to master a skill, one of the arts, some 19 year olds are fighting big issues like abortion and are well on there way to be politicians to make our society a little bit better. It's my understanding that people have read the whole bible and memorized huge chunks of the bible in months. I've been a "Christian" my whole life and haven't done either in my 19 years.
What I want to get at is the fact that, no matter how great or seemingly perfect things can seem, with a great leader or upbringing it's a choice to become great. It's work to chose God every day; work that's worth it, but nonetheless, work.
If you want to do great things, work for them, strive for them, dream of them, but gosh darn it fight for them now and not later.
Dear Jesus, I miss you.
Society led by the most knowledgeable and strongest leaders. Fights will be won in both scenarios.
Things will go well when the head is strong and capable. I don't believe it ends there though.
I have incredible parents, in school I'd say my teachers were good, perhaps a few of them did better than others. The perfect human example has been placed in my life in the form of Jesus. Not that I like to call it religion but The Bible has been placed in my life to follow. I'm trying to say that, the hand I've been dealt is great, but by some standards, I'm not doing so great with it.
I'm not saying i'm doing an awful job, I could be a lot "worse" off than where I am now with my life. What I'm thinking about is what about the other people, who are 19, who have already been to foreign countries doing things that really matter to them and that are effecting the entire world. Yes, yes I've been to mexico on a mission trip, but I went because it was cool, not because I was trying to forward Jesus. There are people who have taken the time to master a skill, one of the arts, some 19 year olds are fighting big issues like abortion and are well on there way to be politicians to make our society a little bit better. It's my understanding that people have read the whole bible and memorized huge chunks of the bible in months. I've been a "Christian" my whole life and haven't done either in my 19 years.
What I want to get at is the fact that, no matter how great or seemingly perfect things can seem, with a great leader or upbringing it's a choice to become great. It's work to chose God every day; work that's worth it, but nonetheless, work.
If you want to do great things, work for them, strive for them, dream of them, but gosh darn it fight for them now and not later.
Dear Jesus, I miss you.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Maybe I am Crazy
I don't edit these things, if there's bad grammar, my bad.
If a thought doesn't make sense, welcome to most conversations with me.
I'm not trying to be angry or cynical right now, I guess i'm conveying my disappointment in the last post I did, I kept wanting to look over it and edit it a little bit add some more, but I didn't want to, I wanted to move on to a new post, where there's a new page of blank white waiting for my brains to spill out on.
This whole blog thing was supposed to be just about keeping the readers up on how I was doing with cancer. Well that's not actually accurate, no matter what I say this blogs intent is to make you see how Great God is, for you to glorify Him, for you to understand that like the story found in His Word He lets people go through trials because He's so much bigger than our earthly trials and no matter how hard it feels here, it's not the biggest thing.
I'm going crazy, but it's not for the reason I thought. Last weekend I laid around my house because I didn't feel like doing anything else. (some would say because the chemo hit me hard, well that's what happens when I'm drinking poison through a hole in my chest that connects to a tube in my heart.) I've most likely stated this before but I am an extreme extravert; I desire to be around people. Perhaps I'm just not good at handling my emotions but I go a little crazy when I'm not doing anything, and I have less interaction with people than I'm used to. - the whole point of this paragraph though, is not to complain about how last weekend I didn't interact with people, but it was that I have a deeper rooted issue in me than just my desire to talk to people. To dumb my emotions down, in fear I say I long to be wed. I'd rather not dwell on this topic because it's too close to my heart to expose here, prayer for what feels like my broken and lost heart. So before I say more than I'd like, I'll say it's not that I think I'm messed up, more just that it's something I think about it and it breaks me knowing I'm not ready to lead her. And now we depart. Always look for the good in the bad, the moral the of the story, push out of the way the negative and pull out the positive. I'll try to help you here, just think about how I want to talk to people, don't feel sorry for me because I have "cancer" or whatever, don't worry about how I want to have a wife some day, instead see this. The reason i believe I went crazy last week, and why I have emotional breakdowns relating to the search of my wife, is because I have lacked God. Jesus calls us His bride, well there's emotional stability if I just receive it but much like human relations I believe it has to be received at all times, not just once in the morning or once at night(this is where the not talking to people comes in): no, it must be a constant conversation with Him, always seeking for the opportunity to say I love you.
Think of it this way.
A man says I love you first. (Jesus died for you. This was His I love you)
The bride replies (Maybe you have replied with an I love you already once or twice.)
Who says I love you now? My mom is a very love showing person so, she says I love you first 9/10 times.
Be the bride that says I love you, when she says it, my dad replies with, an I love you too.
Don't you want that from the Father Of The Universe, what if all you need to do to get to hear Him say I love you, is to say it first this time? He started it.
p.s. I just wanted to say that, my friend, my accountancies, people who hear my voice, those who have supported me in this rather interesting venture I'm on right now. Thank you. If it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't feel a need to be strong, a need to fight, chances are I wouldn't pick up my sword and put on my armor. I am still fighting, I am still in this fight, and knowing that your all behind me, encourages me to fight.
If a thought doesn't make sense, welcome to most conversations with me.
I'm not trying to be angry or cynical right now, I guess i'm conveying my disappointment in the last post I did, I kept wanting to look over it and edit it a little bit add some more, but I didn't want to, I wanted to move on to a new post, where there's a new page of blank white waiting for my brains to spill out on.
This whole blog thing was supposed to be just about keeping the readers up on how I was doing with cancer. Well that's not actually accurate, no matter what I say this blogs intent is to make you see how Great God is, for you to glorify Him, for you to understand that like the story found in His Word He lets people go through trials because He's so much bigger than our earthly trials and no matter how hard it feels here, it's not the biggest thing.
I'm going crazy, but it's not for the reason I thought. Last weekend I laid around my house because I didn't feel like doing anything else. (some would say because the chemo hit me hard, well that's what happens when I'm drinking poison through a hole in my chest that connects to a tube in my heart.) I've most likely stated this before but I am an extreme extravert; I desire to be around people. Perhaps I'm just not good at handling my emotions but I go a little crazy when I'm not doing anything, and I have less interaction with people than I'm used to. - the whole point of this paragraph though, is not to complain about how last weekend I didn't interact with people, but it was that I have a deeper rooted issue in me than just my desire to talk to people. To dumb my emotions down, in fear I say I long to be wed. I'd rather not dwell on this topic because it's too close to my heart to expose here, prayer for what feels like my broken and lost heart. So before I say more than I'd like, I'll say it's not that I think I'm messed up, more just that it's something I think about it and it breaks me knowing I'm not ready to lead her. And now we depart. Always look for the good in the bad, the moral the of the story, push out of the way the negative and pull out the positive. I'll try to help you here, just think about how I want to talk to people, don't feel sorry for me because I have "cancer" or whatever, don't worry about how I want to have a wife some day, instead see this. The reason i believe I went crazy last week, and why I have emotional breakdowns relating to the search of my wife, is because I have lacked God. Jesus calls us His bride, well there's emotional stability if I just receive it but much like human relations I believe it has to be received at all times, not just once in the morning or once at night(this is where the not talking to people comes in): no, it must be a constant conversation with Him, always seeking for the opportunity to say I love you.
Think of it this way.
A man says I love you first. (Jesus died for you. This was His I love you)
The bride replies (Maybe you have replied with an I love you already once or twice.)
Who says I love you now? My mom is a very love showing person so, she says I love you first 9/10 times.
Be the bride that says I love you, when she says it, my dad replies with, an I love you too.
Don't you want that from the Father Of The Universe, what if all you need to do to get to hear Him say I love you, is to say it first this time? He started it.
p.s. I just wanted to say that, my friend, my accountancies, people who hear my voice, those who have supported me in this rather interesting venture I'm on right now. Thank you. If it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't feel a need to be strong, a need to fight, chances are I wouldn't pick up my sword and put on my armor. I am still fighting, I am still in this fight, and knowing that your all behind me, encourages me to fight.
Not chemo vomit, just words.
"Sin starts at the conception of fleeing God". What? Yes, it does make sense. Read it again, think about it, apply it if you really care. It will take some building, but in my brain, it's true. When a man and woman partake in intercourse there's a chance that a baby will be conceived. I'm under the knowledge that, life begins at conception. Not every time they have intercourse will a baby be conceived though. I'm having trouble running anywhere else with it from here, but if there's still confusion, keep reading.
Shoot, there's a lot more to this than I thought. So what is sin? Rom 6:23 explains that the wages of sin are death. If you sin, your payment is death. I'm getting jumbled, and personally, when I have written these past two blogs, I've been so interested in researching what the heck I'm talking about. Writing to convince someone of something is hard, it takes work, it takes proof, and it takes time. I might not convince anyone but perhaps some of my words will make you think, and search, and learn.
Back to what I was saying about the man/woman. Isaiah 59:2 is a scripture I don't recall reading before until this night. Check it out. Sin separates us from God, in my mind sin is death because a life without God is death. My words have sort of entangled me now, but what I'm getting at is that if you begin to walk away from God, you will no doubt sin.
Beyond that I started this post because I believe thinking about things in writing.
Shoot, there's a lot more to this than I thought. So what is sin? Rom 6:23 explains that the wages of sin are death. If you sin, your payment is death. I'm getting jumbled, and personally, when I have written these past two blogs, I've been so interested in researching what the heck I'm talking about. Writing to convince someone of something is hard, it takes work, it takes proof, and it takes time. I might not convince anyone but perhaps some of my words will make you think, and search, and learn.
Back to what I was saying about the man/woman. Isaiah 59:2 is a scripture I don't recall reading before until this night. Check it out. Sin separates us from God, in my mind sin is death because a life without God is death. My words have sort of entangled me now, but what I'm getting at is that if you begin to walk away from God, you will no doubt sin.
Beyond that I started this post because I believe thinking about things in writing.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Random:I crave meaning, only One satisfies.:Warning
Opening Joke: This isn't my real blog, you can find all of my real writings at bomb wait for it . . . dot com!
WHADDUP?!
Keep in mind, I use this like a journal, excluding certain details, I am just free writing, so this is sloppy, messy and can tend to be not pretty. With that being put at the beginning I can now start to write. After staring at this computer screen and seeking inspiration for the past, 2+ hours.
My body feels great, I think that's actually the problem today, and why I haven't blogged in so long. When I was disoriented by the chemo and stricken by the fact that I had that big fat C word: cancer. In the time when my body felt week, I felt so much more consumed by God. It was as if He protected me, knowing that I needed Him because I was spiritually weak as well as physically. (I'd like to put in a note right here that I deleted what I was trying to say multiple times, and then it was like it all of a sudden hit me.) Today just doesn't feel like a writing day, today feels like a learning day, it feels like the day where I question every little thing trying to understand God just a tiny piece more. My writing this branched from the idea that I thought Satan was the ruled of earth, it's just what I thought, so I looked it up, read scriptures for like 2 hours; right now I want to say I understand if he is or isn't but, I just don't know! I emailed a Rabbi, and a NW professor, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. This is fun, it's like I'm a detective and I'm investigating the bible! Proverbs 25:2 - It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, and the glory of kings to investigate a matter. Basically living like a king today? =] Thanks for lunch mom.
It's kind of weird, every day the idea of college sort of changes in my mind, but today I actually feel like a college student. This blog is my research paper and I did research all day. Good thing you guys don't . . . grade me.
Entertainment:
TheFutureOfFood(WATCHTHIS!ifyouwanttoknowwhatyourprobablyeating)
SexMarriage/Fairytales --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4OK9DmLpCY
Cyberbully(messedupworldwelivein,horribleplot.)
PlantsVsZombies(IalreadybeatthisgamewhydidIstartplayingitagain?Thisisdumb,I'mremovingthisapp)
TheBookOfEli(GORY,badstuffhappenslikerape,mademewanttomemorizemybible!)
AngryBirds(Thankyouhospitaldudeforlettingmeplaybut,Idon'tunderstandsociety'saddiction,soannoying!
KungFuPanda2(Entertaining)
BloonsTowerDefense4(ZOMGSOMUCHFUN,tillIlost...stupidgame)
HowIMetYourMother(Ishouldn'twatchthis,it'stoosexualit'sjustnotbenefittingmylife,sobyebye)
Gemcraft(Thiswaswayeasierlasttime,videogamesarestupidandtoohard,whathappenedtolike,everyonewins?!)
What Does It Sound Like(thissongmakesmewanttowriteforJesus)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1U6-Q5wpCM
If you waded through all that you deserve to hear what I've been doing, and plan to be doing.
Two weeks ago on a Sunday, I made it back to a little church in lakewood that I call family. I only stayed for "Sunday School" but then got some phat black glasses. When I got home, I felt like poop, I pigged out on some Bar-B-Que my dad thankfully procured. I then laid in bed most of the day, saving and building my energy for youth small group! Yusss, I missed it too much. Yea, so I lost in arm wrestling to a girl, she's basically buff she can curl probably 9 lbs per arm, it was okay to lose to her. It was when I arm wrestled her sister that my pride was completely abolished. Her sister has no need for the lifting of weights, some people are just born with no need to lift weights, DANG GENE POOLS! Yea, I said she doesn't really work out, that means she has tiny arms, weak little girl arms, but I LOST. Pride popped. A great night!
Random Fact: I heard on the radio that at this time of year (Super Bowl) many people get a bladder disfunction that increases the difficulty of holding in urine. That means you can't hold it as long like old people who wear depends. This happens because most people go to the restroom during commercials but (guys especially) decide to hold it because they HAVE to see "that" commercial. GO PEE or WEAR DEPENDS WHEN YOUR 27! Thank you. (totally wrote this because I have to pee.)
The following day, anyone still with me, what day was it? MONDAY! That means Summit Youth Group Night, so I text Tanner, the "Lead Worshiper" and I'm like "BROSEPH YOU GUYS ARE SO COOL CAN I HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS AND PLAY DRUMS BEHIND YOU?!" he replied"Ya."
That's how it would have gone if we were like anime characters or something, but since it weren't it was a lot less, hyperbolic. That's pretty much what happened though. I went, practiced with them, worshipped God for a solid 4 songs. Played a run around game, basically fell into Dylan's lap with my puny little leg muscles trying to hold up my body. Played the 2 songs before the message, Mike talked and I felt like poop. "Jeffrey there's no way you can make it . . . " I thought. " If we play the next two songs, right after the message I can play then leave." I sort of made it to the end, only to find out that they play the 2 songs at the VERY end, after everything. My more responsive to pain self responded in this moment. Daniel, I need that ride home, right now. I tried to say goodbye to everyone I knew, and maybe a few people I didn't know yet. This ride home, sucked, felt like so much poop, thought I was hungry so I ate these crackers, didn't help, got home, made it upstairs laid down for like an hour and then felt totally normal, went downstairs and hung out with my parents at like 10pm feeling pretty normal, darn physical endurance.
Jeffrey's Insight: You know what's a good idea? Calendars are a GREAT idea. I try to write all the big stuff down on my calendar, and I can pretty much figure out this entire last month passed solely on that thing. prettysweet
Tuesday:I made dinner for my family with the incredible AmandaJANEKlebe,nbd,ILOVEHER. =]
iwasnthorrifiedforthedaytocome,butiwasnotexcitedtosaytheleast,tomorrow,istart,NEWCHEMO.
New chemo doesn't sound that bad except for the fact that this dude was like, a doctor and stuff and he totally told me I was going to start feeling better (which I did start feeling better, it was my fist week back at church and back at Summit, super pro week!) and then they were going to knock me back onto my butt, what?! here we go Wednesday, woo?!
STAY WITH ME<WE"RE HAVING FUN>
Woke up this morning, didn't know what to do, and then boom, I decided to memorize this verse because I found it written on my wall. 1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Booom, thanks Advocate now that I got that in the front of my dehydrated brain I don't have to worry about today at all. At the hospital, my head hurts like crazy I was hiding in my robe, Doc walks in, "oh, you don't have enough red blood cells are you okay?" he said. I reply "Just my head hurting like crazy for the past week, ouch." Doc-"Yea? Well we're going to inject someones blood into you today then you should be feeling better, but first we're going to radiate that blood to make sure it has nothing bad in it."(Real quick fact about me, I'm b+ blood type, because I'll always Be positive! =])
Sooo we're in the hospital all day, with typical hospital shenanigans, it's really kind of fun to be at the hospital a day at a time, I might sound crazy but I kind of like it, it's cool. Plus my mom takes me out to eat every time we're at the hospital all day and I can't eat because they put me sleepy sleepy. SAW MY BFF, love you boo. ChinFree<3 and then without saying too much grotty details, 2 liters of IV fluid, 1.5 liters of water by mouth and 6 drinks from Red Robin, I didn't sleep very much that night, and my toilet got a lot of action.
The week progressed with friendly visits, inspirational guests, foodtastic grandparents, until finally Friday night I was gonna do it, I was going to see Sugar in Lakes performance of Clue, yes! It was a long car ride home, these dang car rides home just, headaches, poop. But I made it to the show, and watched the whole thing! She, is pro. Better be watching those movies for her, never know where she might pop up! ;]
And this week started off grandiose with Church, the whole service this time! I may have found a couch to lay on, but I listened to the whole sermon and stood for, most of the songs! Hahaha.
Monday was splendid as well as another step towards recovery, went to Summit, practiced all 4 songs, played the start 2, listened, hung out, small groups, what a cool group of guys, I don't know what it is about that asian man face, I just connected to it more than Rock's white guy face, maybe it's that chin beard I'm jealous of on Rocky Mikosa that makes me fear him, IDON'TKNOW! maybei'msecretlystillinmiddleschool. Almost made it to Taco Bell! And then Cabe made the healthy decision for me and took me home when I stated my head was hurtin'. More and more pleasant visitors, far less frequent than when I was in the hospital, but I'm feeling better every day so I'm moving more back to normal life. How cool would it be if you just went over to hang out with your friends randomly when you have spare time? Dang, that's just cool.
'kay now super exciting news!
Vincible, a punk/hardcore band I've played drums for over a year got offered a show in Boise, yup Idaho. Not a payed show, but it's all Christian bands on the bill, what's better than a night of active Worship after a road trip with 3 men of God? Sounds like what I'd LOVE the rest of my life to look like, just throw in a few more men, maybe some wives, eventually babies, and a bigger car/cars, every NIGHT?! No thanks I don't want to work 5 days a week, I want to work, 6, booyah!
STOKED! So, praying I feel good enough for the weekend of the 19th, this is HUGE!
Feeling stronger every day. LausDeoSemper(praise always to God-Thanks for being cool Cobus)
Chemo-Day(aka) Wednesday: Time for more sleepy sleepy, and no food until later in the day. =[
But I get the EXTRA sleepy doctor today, he gives me lots of the nappy drug. I walked from the car to the doctor, and from the doctor to the sleepy place. If you've been to Madigan, you know this is a far walk, especially for a dude who has been losing muscle sitting around.
Getting stronnnnngerr! Lifting my 5lb weights!
RANDOM STUFF THAT CAME TO MY MIND WHILE I WAS WRITING ALL OF THIS!
I'd rather listen to something that MEANS a lot to me, emotionally that makes sense to me, and connects to me, than something that sounds perfect, or catchy, because it's pointless, I want meaning.
The older we get, the more we change, and separate away from each other, it's not like when we were kids, maybe some things should still be like when we were kids, maybe some things still need to change so we don't act that way anymore.
Sites I visited while trying to write this!
Cool Websites: http://www.scripture4all.org/OnlineInterlinear/Greek_Index.htm, I challenge every couple seeking God to Ephesians 5, the whole thing before getting married, honestly probably a good idea to read it before you get engaged but, it's never to late right? http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%205&version=HCSB
Oh and (Jeff Bethke Speaking about David and Goliath) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3dlZDLmJH4&feature=BFa&list=UUc4yillQaNo6a-iG2PYbbrA&lf=plcp boom!
WHADDUP?!
Keep in mind, I use this like a journal, excluding certain details, I am just free writing, so this is sloppy, messy and can tend to be not pretty. With that being put at the beginning I can now start to write. After staring at this computer screen and seeking inspiration for the past, 2+ hours.
My body feels great, I think that's actually the problem today, and why I haven't blogged in so long. When I was disoriented by the chemo and stricken by the fact that I had that big fat C word: cancer. In the time when my body felt week, I felt so much more consumed by God. It was as if He protected me, knowing that I needed Him because I was spiritually weak as well as physically. (I'd like to put in a note right here that I deleted what I was trying to say multiple times, and then it was like it all of a sudden hit me.) Today just doesn't feel like a writing day, today feels like a learning day, it feels like the day where I question every little thing trying to understand God just a tiny piece more. My writing this branched from the idea that I thought Satan was the ruled of earth, it's just what I thought, so I looked it up, read scriptures for like 2 hours; right now I want to say I understand if he is or isn't but, I just don't know! I emailed a Rabbi, and a NW professor, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. This is fun, it's like I'm a detective and I'm investigating the bible! Proverbs 25:2 - It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, and the glory of kings to investigate a matter. Basically living like a king today? =] Thanks for lunch mom.
It's kind of weird, every day the idea of college sort of changes in my mind, but today I actually feel like a college student. This blog is my research paper and I did research all day. Good thing you guys don't . . . grade me.
Entertainment:
TheFutureOfFood(WATCHTHIS!ifyouwanttoknowwhatyourprobablyeating)
SexMarriage/Fairytales --- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4OK9DmLpCY
Cyberbully(messedupworldwelivein,horribleplot.)
PlantsVsZombies(IalreadybeatthisgamewhydidIstartplayingitagain?Thisisdumb,I'mremovingthisapp)
TheBookOfEli(GORY,badstuffhappenslikerape,mademewanttomemorizemybible!)
AngryBirds(Thankyouhospitaldudeforlettingmeplaybut,Idon'tunderstandsociety'saddiction,soannoying!
KungFuPanda2(Entertaining)
BloonsTowerDefense4(ZOMGSOMUCHFUN,tillIlost...stupidgame)
HowIMetYourMother(Ishouldn'twatchthis,it'stoosexualit'sjustnotbenefittingmylife,sobyebye)
Gemcraft(Thiswaswayeasierlasttime,videogamesarestupidandtoohard,whathappenedtolike,everyonewins?!)
What Does It Sound Like(thissongmakesmewanttowriteforJesus)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1U6-Q5wpCM
If you waded through all that you deserve to hear what I've been doing, and plan to be doing.
Two weeks ago on a Sunday, I made it back to a little church in lakewood that I call family. I only stayed for "Sunday School" but then got some phat black glasses. When I got home, I felt like poop, I pigged out on some Bar-B-Que my dad thankfully procured. I then laid in bed most of the day, saving and building my energy for youth small group! Yusss, I missed it too much. Yea, so I lost in arm wrestling to a girl, she's basically buff she can curl probably 9 lbs per arm, it was okay to lose to her. It was when I arm wrestled her sister that my pride was completely abolished. Her sister has no need for the lifting of weights, some people are just born with no need to lift weights, DANG GENE POOLS! Yea, I said she doesn't really work out, that means she has tiny arms, weak little girl arms, but I LOST. Pride popped. A great night!
Random Fact: I heard on the radio that at this time of year (Super Bowl) many people get a bladder disfunction that increases the difficulty of holding in urine. That means you can't hold it as long like old people who wear depends. This happens because most people go to the restroom during commercials but (guys especially) decide to hold it because they HAVE to see "that" commercial. GO PEE or WEAR DEPENDS WHEN YOUR 27! Thank you. (totally wrote this because I have to pee.)
The following day, anyone still with me, what day was it? MONDAY! That means Summit Youth Group Night, so I text Tanner, the "Lead Worshiper" and I'm like "BROSEPH YOU GUYS ARE SO COOL CAN I HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS AND PLAY DRUMS BEHIND YOU?!" he replied"Ya."
That's how it would have gone if we were like anime characters or something, but since it weren't it was a lot less, hyperbolic. That's pretty much what happened though. I went, practiced with them, worshipped God for a solid 4 songs. Played a run around game, basically fell into Dylan's lap with my puny little leg muscles trying to hold up my body. Played the 2 songs before the message, Mike talked and I felt like poop. "Jeffrey there's no way you can make it . . . " I thought. " If we play the next two songs, right after the message I can play then leave." I sort of made it to the end, only to find out that they play the 2 songs at the VERY end, after everything. My more responsive to pain self responded in this moment. Daniel, I need that ride home, right now. I tried to say goodbye to everyone I knew, and maybe a few people I didn't know yet. This ride home, sucked, felt like so much poop, thought I was hungry so I ate these crackers, didn't help, got home, made it upstairs laid down for like an hour and then felt totally normal, went downstairs and hung out with my parents at like 10pm feeling pretty normal, darn physical endurance.
Jeffrey's Insight: You know what's a good idea? Calendars are a GREAT idea. I try to write all the big stuff down on my calendar, and I can pretty much figure out this entire last month passed solely on that thing. prettysweet
Tuesday:I made dinner for my family with the incredible AmandaJANEKlebe,nbd,ILOVEHER. =]
iwasnthorrifiedforthedaytocome,butiwasnotexcitedtosaytheleast,tomorrow,istart,NEWCHEMO.
New chemo doesn't sound that bad except for the fact that this dude was like, a doctor and stuff and he totally told me I was going to start feeling better (which I did start feeling better, it was my fist week back at church and back at Summit, super pro week!) and then they were going to knock me back onto my butt, what?! here we go Wednesday, woo?!
STAY WITH ME<WE"RE HAVING FUN>
Woke up this morning, didn't know what to do, and then boom, I decided to memorize this verse because I found it written on my wall. 1 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Booom, thanks Advocate now that I got that in the front of my dehydrated brain I don't have to worry about today at all. At the hospital, my head hurts like crazy I was hiding in my robe, Doc walks in, "oh, you don't have enough red blood cells are you okay?" he said. I reply "Just my head hurting like crazy for the past week, ouch." Doc-"Yea? Well we're going to inject someones blood into you today then you should be feeling better, but first we're going to radiate that blood to make sure it has nothing bad in it."(Real quick fact about me, I'm b+ blood type, because I'll always Be positive! =])
Sooo we're in the hospital all day, with typical hospital shenanigans, it's really kind of fun to be at the hospital a day at a time, I might sound crazy but I kind of like it, it's cool. Plus my mom takes me out to eat every time we're at the hospital all day and I can't eat because they put me sleepy sleepy. SAW MY BFF, love you boo. ChinFree<3 and then without saying too much grotty details, 2 liters of IV fluid, 1.5 liters of water by mouth and 6 drinks from Red Robin, I didn't sleep very much that night, and my toilet got a lot of action.
The week progressed with friendly visits, inspirational guests, foodtastic grandparents, until finally Friday night I was gonna do it, I was going to see Sugar in Lakes performance of Clue, yes! It was a long car ride home, these dang car rides home just, headaches, poop. But I made it to the show, and watched the whole thing! She, is pro. Better be watching those movies for her, never know where she might pop up! ;]
And this week started off grandiose with Church, the whole service this time! I may have found a couch to lay on, but I listened to the whole sermon and stood for, most of the songs! Hahaha.
Monday was splendid as well as another step towards recovery, went to Summit, practiced all 4 songs, played the start 2, listened, hung out, small groups, what a cool group of guys, I don't know what it is about that asian man face, I just connected to it more than Rock's white guy face, maybe it's that chin beard I'm jealous of on Rocky Mikosa that makes me fear him, IDON'TKNOW! maybei'msecretlystillinmiddleschool. Almost made it to Taco Bell! And then Cabe made the healthy decision for me and took me home when I stated my head was hurtin'. More and more pleasant visitors, far less frequent than when I was in the hospital, but I'm feeling better every day so I'm moving more back to normal life. How cool would it be if you just went over to hang out with your friends randomly when you have spare time? Dang, that's just cool.
'kay now super exciting news!
Vincible, a punk/hardcore band I've played drums for over a year got offered a show in Boise, yup Idaho. Not a payed show, but it's all Christian bands on the bill, what's better than a night of active Worship after a road trip with 3 men of God? Sounds like what I'd LOVE the rest of my life to look like, just throw in a few more men, maybe some wives, eventually babies, and a bigger car/cars, every NIGHT?! No thanks I don't want to work 5 days a week, I want to work, 6, booyah!
STOKED! So, praying I feel good enough for the weekend of the 19th, this is HUGE!
Feeling stronger every day. LausDeoSemper(praise always to God-Thanks for being cool Cobus)
Chemo-Day(aka) Wednesday: Time for more sleepy sleepy, and no food until later in the day. =[
But I get the EXTRA sleepy doctor today, he gives me lots of the nappy drug. I walked from the car to the doctor, and from the doctor to the sleepy place. If you've been to Madigan, you know this is a far walk, especially for a dude who has been losing muscle sitting around.
Getting stronnnnngerr! Lifting my 5lb weights!
RANDOM STUFF THAT CAME TO MY MIND WHILE I WAS WRITING ALL OF THIS!
I'd rather listen to something that MEANS a lot to me, emotionally that makes sense to me, and connects to me, than something that sounds perfect, or catchy, because it's pointless, I want meaning.
The older we get, the more we change, and separate away from each other, it's not like when we were kids, maybe some things should still be like when we were kids, maybe some things still need to change so we don't act that way anymore.
Sites I visited while trying to write this!
Cool Websites: http://www.scripture4all.org/OnlineInterlinear/Greek_Index.htm, I challenge every couple seeking God to Ephesians 5, the whole thing before getting married, honestly probably a good idea to read it before you get engaged but, it's never to late right? http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%205&version=HCSB
Oh and (Jeff Bethke Speaking about David and Goliath) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3dlZDLmJH4&feature=BFa&list=UUc4yillQaNo6a-iG2PYbbrA&lf=plcp boom!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
A, GREAT DAY?!
Phew, it's been so good today. Like I just feel so good today I can't explain it.
Probably the best I've felt on this stuff since it's all set in.
I'm weak, I'm not even really tired, just all my muscles gone so it's hard to walk around and stuff. But I had a bunch of company today and it really lifted me up. I think I've been pushing people away because I thought I didn't want people around but really, if anyone knows me, I'm an extrovert, I basically live off peoples energy, without people I'm like, frozen or something bahahaha.
I don't want to make this just like my Facebook page but I really just want to say that it's time for me to start doing stuff, since the energy is coming back it's time for me to start reading again, it's time to fill this brain with knowledge, and spread that knowledge.
At one point in my life I kind of wanted to be like a Youth Pastor or something I just don't like the idea of getting paid in a church type thing. What I'm trying to say though is, a youth pastor, or pastor, or speaker, presenter, takes quite a bit of time to prepare for a talk in front of people.
My life is what I want to be my talk in front of people, I want my life to be that speech. I want to be prepared to give my life story, my testimony to follow Jesus and how He saved me from cancer, and saved me from a fear that I haven't ever seen. I want to be able to meet people and tell them how good God is but KNOW God, and I guess I just really haven't been doing that.
Even though I've basically gotten to be a baby in this whole situation just sit around, I've done just that, I've gotten to be a baby and I've gotten lazy. I want to learn, babies take huge steps every day towards growth every day. Today my body went pretty crazy, I got some physical therapy and I moved around a bit, which is a lot better to be said than my previous days but tomorrow, it's time to take another step.
Every day I pray, is another step higher, stronger, farther.
Friends, step with me, just because I am blessed with the opportunity to essentially start over doesn't mean you can't step with me. I pray those who call me friend would move with me, stronger in their life, with their mind, with their body, with their everything. Step into God. Step Into Faith. Take a step of courage, take a step of strength.
Recommended read, Do Hard Things - Alex and Brett Harris.
P.s. Totally played drums the past three days for, 20 minutes, almost passed out every time bahaha.
Probably the best I've felt on this stuff since it's all set in.
I'm weak, I'm not even really tired, just all my muscles gone so it's hard to walk around and stuff. But I had a bunch of company today and it really lifted me up. I think I've been pushing people away because I thought I didn't want people around but really, if anyone knows me, I'm an extrovert, I basically live off peoples energy, without people I'm like, frozen or something bahahaha.
I don't want to make this just like my Facebook page but I really just want to say that it's time for me to start doing stuff, since the energy is coming back it's time for me to start reading again, it's time to fill this brain with knowledge, and spread that knowledge.
At one point in my life I kind of wanted to be like a Youth Pastor or something I just don't like the idea of getting paid in a church type thing. What I'm trying to say though is, a youth pastor, or pastor, or speaker, presenter, takes quite a bit of time to prepare for a talk in front of people.
My life is what I want to be my talk in front of people, I want my life to be that speech. I want to be prepared to give my life story, my testimony to follow Jesus and how He saved me from cancer, and saved me from a fear that I haven't ever seen. I want to be able to meet people and tell them how good God is but KNOW God, and I guess I just really haven't been doing that.
Even though I've basically gotten to be a baby in this whole situation just sit around, I've done just that, I've gotten to be a baby and I've gotten lazy. I want to learn, babies take huge steps every day towards growth every day. Today my body went pretty crazy, I got some physical therapy and I moved around a bit, which is a lot better to be said than my previous days but tomorrow, it's time to take another step.
Every day I pray, is another step higher, stronger, farther.
Friends, step with me, just because I am blessed with the opportunity to essentially start over doesn't mean you can't step with me. I pray those who call me friend would move with me, stronger in their life, with their mind, with their body, with their everything. Step into God. Step Into Faith. Take a step of courage, take a step of strength.
Recommended read, Do Hard Things - Alex and Brett Harris.
P.s. Totally played drums the past three days for, 20 minutes, almost passed out every time bahaha.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Weird, no cute title today
I'm so pumped about this post.
Just a real quick update I'm feeling fantastic today. Mom's got me eating these super fibered up pruned up muffins which are sweet but actually taste good. Got everything moving if you know what I mean. I'm digging waking up the beautiful snow. One of the reasons why I like snow so much is because it reminds me of purity, and how God is pure, and like how He can just cover the world with purity, it's just, cool.
Anyways, I gotta get this out before I forget, chemo-brain, hunger, musical distraction, and my normal ADD aren't a good combination of things that help me put any sort of logical, straight thoughts onto a page.
As I was writing a message to a Dear Friend on Facebook (Tim Lott) it came to me. This is easy, because I'm just standing here "holding up my staff". I'm not totally sure why I'm holding up the staff. I want to pray about it. And read into a bit more but I'm reminded of the story in Exodus 17. Specifically verse 12 where it says that 12When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up-one on one side, one on the other- so that his hands remained steady till sunset.
So I guess I'm saying I feel like I'm sitting here, and okay so I got tired, I got cancer and it's time for me to have a stone put under me, I'm sitting on the stone that each and every one of you placed under me so I could rest and be comfortable. Now my arms are getting tired, and here all of you are standing next to me, holding up my arms so I can continue to hold this staff up.
Just a real quick update I'm feeling fantastic today. Mom's got me eating these super fibered up pruned up muffins which are sweet but actually taste good. Got everything moving if you know what I mean. I'm digging waking up the beautiful snow. One of the reasons why I like snow so much is because it reminds me of purity, and how God is pure, and like how He can just cover the world with purity, it's just, cool.
Anyways, I gotta get this out before I forget, chemo-brain, hunger, musical distraction, and my normal ADD aren't a good combination of things that help me put any sort of logical, straight thoughts onto a page.
As I was writing a message to a Dear Friend on Facebook (Tim Lott) it came to me. This is easy, because I'm just standing here "holding up my staff". I'm not totally sure why I'm holding up the staff. I want to pray about it. And read into a bit more but I'm reminded of the story in Exodus 17. Specifically verse 12 where it says that 12When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up-one on one side, one on the other- so that his hands remained steady till sunset.
So I guess I'm saying I feel like I'm sitting here, and okay so I got tired, I got cancer and it's time for me to have a stone put under me, I'm sitting on the stone that each and every one of you placed under me so I could rest and be comfortable. Now my arms are getting tired, and here all of you are standing next to me, holding up my arms so I can continue to hold this staff up.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
I don't know what I can give, but I want to give it
Every day I lose more energy, I feel more like a person but I feel weaker.
I just finished watching Abundant Life Church service on giving and I'm convicted.
What can I give when I feel like there is nothing in my body to give?
I guess what do I have is words. I have my breath, I have my knowledge. My brain is still fully active.
So what can I possibly do for you, readers? How can I give to you, in this moment of my physical weakness.
Some have said it's encouraging to know I can fight through this. Knowing this is just a battle of flesh and blood, I will come out of this with no major scars and as far as I'm concerned a pretty cool life story.
My thoughts are rumbling, as well as my stomach so this blog ends here while I seek nourishment but I'd just like to close by saying that I want you to be encouraged.
Know that this world isn't the end, so go fight the HARD fight, start an organization, go for that "raise", step out of your "comfort" zone and do the things that scare you. Naa I'm not saying jump off a cliff. I'm trying to spur you on, spur you on to do, GOOD things. Change this world.
Do you think that we got all the cool stuff we have today by doing the exact same thing say in and day out? Someone, or some people chose to be different, to do things that people thought were crazy, your parents might think your nuts, discourage you, society might try to tear you apart. Hold fast friends.
1Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.
We are a brotherhood, a sisterhood, a family, united under one God, one Father, so lets make our Daddy proud and do some awesome stuff this lifetime.
I just finished watching Abundant Life Church service on giving and I'm convicted.
What can I give when I feel like there is nothing in my body to give?
I guess what do I have is words. I have my breath, I have my knowledge. My brain is still fully active.
So what can I possibly do for you, readers? How can I give to you, in this moment of my physical weakness.
Some have said it's encouraging to know I can fight through this. Knowing this is just a battle of flesh and blood, I will come out of this with no major scars and as far as I'm concerned a pretty cool life story.
My thoughts are rumbling, as well as my stomach so this blog ends here while I seek nourishment but I'd just like to close by saying that I want you to be encouraged.
Know that this world isn't the end, so go fight the HARD fight, start an organization, go for that "raise", step out of your "comfort" zone and do the things that scare you. Naa I'm not saying jump off a cliff. I'm trying to spur you on, spur you on to do, GOOD things. Change this world.
Do you think that we got all the cool stuff we have today by doing the exact same thing say in and day out? Someone, or some people chose to be different, to do things that people thought were crazy, your parents might think your nuts, discourage you, society might try to tear you apart. Hold fast friends.
1Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.
We are a brotherhood, a sisterhood, a family, united under one God, one Father, so lets make our Daddy proud and do some awesome stuff this lifetime.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Holy Jesus
I'd say that could have quite possibly been one of the most real, weird, horrifying beautiful experiences of my life.
Hold on for this story, this literally just happened and this is ACTUALLY how I responded.
Blame it on the pre-bed watching of video games, the chemo, the dehydration or watch this amazing God story un-fold and please join with me in worship.
The Dream: I was sitting laying on the couch, downstairs like normal (like most of my dreams, it's my normal life, just weird stuff happens to randomly happen.) Nothing too interesting was going on, it was Anthony sitting down, the sun was sort of up, my mom was in her chair, everything was, normal. My dad came downstairs and started talked to us. I recall having previous dreams where my dad had talked about how all this weird stuff happens in his sleep, this particular dream he had just mentioned how a snake had slept with him and it almost bit him one night which was why he was so tired. I'm freaking out, because I hate snakes, especially in my house, crawling in my bed, na-uh. "What's that pop's?" Roxy(My Black Lab) all of sun LEAPS over the couch over my legs in a full circle and it looked like she either grabbed something away or she jumping from something. I figured she was yelping from Heidi (My Mini-Dauchshaund{or the boss dog}) We all began trying to assess the situation because what just happened was nuts, my 100lb lab jumped in a FULL circle over my body, over a couch and landed totally normally. (This is where it gets fuzzy) I think she jumped over me again, and I was sure there was a snake on me she was trying to grab, I wake up.
My Awakening: In my bed I lie, still as a pole, my legs are frozen, I feel as though the covers were ripped off just from my legs and it's pitch black. As far as I was concerned a snake was in my room and something just flew over my leg and pried it away from me. I have NO IDEA what the heck happened but I was scared. Legitimately horrified something was in my room. Demon? I dunno, demons seem a bit to busy for me right now whatever the case, I awoke to fear in my legs, and thoughts in my heads. Now I'm not super scared of the supernatural because I believe God is more powerful than, well everything. First instinct, first though into my head "Oh Duh Jeff just pray and ask God to protect you." And it sounded something like "Dear God, I just ask that you would protect me right now . . . " Mid though and mid sentence it came to me. "Don't I already have an intimate relationship with this guy? Doesn't He already know, I would like want protection when I'm scared, doesn't He know my ins and outs and ups and downs, and kind of know when I'm scared. If somethings scaring me why am I asking Him to come save me if He says He'll never leave? He's already right here, He just wants interaction." BOOM, my whole brain changed. Instantly I was like sweet, it's worship time. I started saying every good thing I could about God. "Oh God you are so, (generic uplifting "Christianese"" The words I said weren't eloquent, I was popping everything out I could, I just wanted God to be worshipped.
My Challenge: I guess this is more for, people who are already in Love with my God, and who understand a little bit of this situation so sorry for that. But I wanted to share, because well, gosh it just felt like the only two things on my mind. "Worship God, then post a blog about it" I'm not trying to bring glory to me, Please I beg of you, DO NOT READ THIS AND THINK, WOW LOOK AT HOW GOOD JEFFREY IS.
The challenge is to, worship God when things are hard. Because He knows you, and He cares for you, and He WANTS to protect you, but when you ignore Him all the time He's more prone to need a little more chatting to get Him to protect you. My brain can't even process how to write down what I want to say so I just pray that this story would show you that, when things are hard, worship God. He is SOVERIGN, He is a JUST God, and He get's what He wants. So get on His good side, it's good stuff.
P.s. As soon as I started talking to God, I wasn't scared anymore. =]
Hold on for this story, this literally just happened and this is ACTUALLY how I responded.
Blame it on the pre-bed watching of video games, the chemo, the dehydration or watch this amazing God story un-fold and please join with me in worship.
The Dream: I was sitting laying on the couch, downstairs like normal (like most of my dreams, it's my normal life, just weird stuff happens to randomly happen.) Nothing too interesting was going on, it was Anthony sitting down, the sun was sort of up, my mom was in her chair, everything was, normal. My dad came downstairs and started talked to us. I recall having previous dreams where my dad had talked about how all this weird stuff happens in his sleep, this particular dream he had just mentioned how a snake had slept with him and it almost bit him one night which was why he was so tired. I'm freaking out, because I hate snakes, especially in my house, crawling in my bed, na-uh. "What's that pop's?" Roxy(My Black Lab) all of sun LEAPS over the couch over my legs in a full circle and it looked like she either grabbed something away or she jumping from something. I figured she was yelping from Heidi (My Mini-Dauchshaund{or the boss dog}) We all began trying to assess the situation because what just happened was nuts, my 100lb lab jumped in a FULL circle over my body, over a couch and landed totally normally. (This is where it gets fuzzy) I think she jumped over me again, and I was sure there was a snake on me she was trying to grab, I wake up.
My Awakening: In my bed I lie, still as a pole, my legs are frozen, I feel as though the covers were ripped off just from my legs and it's pitch black. As far as I was concerned a snake was in my room and something just flew over my leg and pried it away from me. I have NO IDEA what the heck happened but I was scared. Legitimately horrified something was in my room. Demon? I dunno, demons seem a bit to busy for me right now whatever the case, I awoke to fear in my legs, and thoughts in my heads. Now I'm not super scared of the supernatural because I believe God is more powerful than, well everything. First instinct, first though into my head "Oh Duh Jeff just pray and ask God to protect you." And it sounded something like "Dear God, I just ask that you would protect me right now . . . " Mid though and mid sentence it came to me. "Don't I already have an intimate relationship with this guy? Doesn't He already know, I would like want protection when I'm scared, doesn't He know my ins and outs and ups and downs, and kind of know when I'm scared. If somethings scaring me why am I asking Him to come save me if He says He'll never leave? He's already right here, He just wants interaction." BOOM, my whole brain changed. Instantly I was like sweet, it's worship time. I started saying every good thing I could about God. "Oh God you are so, (generic uplifting "Christianese"" The words I said weren't eloquent, I was popping everything out I could, I just wanted God to be worshipped.
My Challenge: I guess this is more for, people who are already in Love with my God, and who understand a little bit of this situation so sorry for that. But I wanted to share, because well, gosh it just felt like the only two things on my mind. "Worship God, then post a blog about it" I'm not trying to bring glory to me, Please I beg of you, DO NOT READ THIS AND THINK, WOW LOOK AT HOW GOOD JEFFREY IS.
The challenge is to, worship God when things are hard. Because He knows you, and He cares for you, and He WANTS to protect you, but when you ignore Him all the time He's more prone to need a little more chatting to get Him to protect you. My brain can't even process how to write down what I want to say so I just pray that this story would show you that, when things are hard, worship God. He is SOVERIGN, He is a JUST God, and He get's what He wants. So get on His good side, it's good stuff.
P.s. As soon as I started talking to God, I wasn't scared anymore. =]
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Cancer is kind of like Sin
So here I am, sitting up at 12 o clock at night after what felt like a ridiculously long day.
For me it was long, I slept 11 hours the night before and I might have just barely grazed 8 last night with a middle of the night urine break. Anyways totally irrelevant to what I want to write about right now. I'm just trying to say that, I think I actually have something on my mind, and I think I actually want to say it, not just ramble about cancer and how I feel about cancer, this could be a good post to, read?!
My mother just gets done praying for me right before she goes to bed, like she does on most nights when I let her into the confides of my "sacred bedroom". I don't even remember what she was praying about, or what sparked it, but it came to my mind "cancer is kind of like sin."
And what if that was true, what if the cancerous cells in my body were a sign that I had let a disease, a virus, something that wasn't supposed to be in my life, get into my life, or as cancer may seem to be, less of a disease, more something that was just in my body that I didn't shut down at the right time.
I can bring all sorts of things to mind, maybe I have friends I've let grow into my life to much that are distracting me from being 100% healthy, a cancerous friend?
Maybe the "occasional" romantic eye had glanced over one two many girls and it had began to overtake my mind, and certain parts of my brain, a cancerous eye?
What does scripture say about these things? Matthew 5:29 says
For me it was long, I slept 11 hours the night before and I might have just barely grazed 8 last night with a middle of the night urine break. Anyways totally irrelevant to what I want to write about right now. I'm just trying to say that, I think I actually have something on my mind, and I think I actually want to say it, not just ramble about cancer and how I feel about cancer, this could be a good post to, read?!
My mother just gets done praying for me right before she goes to bed, like she does on most nights when I let her into the confides of my "sacred bedroom". I don't even remember what she was praying about, or what sparked it, but it came to my mind "cancer is kind of like sin."
And what if that was true, what if the cancerous cells in my body were a sign that I had let a disease, a virus, something that wasn't supposed to be in my life, get into my life, or as cancer may seem to be, less of a disease, more something that was just in my body that I didn't shut down at the right time.
I can bring all sorts of things to mind, maybe I have friends I've let grow into my life to much that are distracting me from being 100% healthy, a cancerous friend?
Maybe the "occasional" romantic eye had glanced over one two many girls and it had began to overtake my mind, and certain parts of my brain, a cancerous eye?
What does scripture say about these things? Matthew 5:29 says
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Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Another day, another Sammich
I guess this is now the time where I tell people to do something with their life. I've tried to be a pretty healthy dude for at least the past few years of my life.
The secret to weight loss isn't the diet, it isn't the exercise, nope not the support, not the magical juice that'll heal your body.
It's simple, just live a normal healthy lifestyle, exercise regularly, eat fresh, un-packaged items as often as possible and get that "crap" burger and fries when you get a promotion, or you win that championship game, or when you lose that game.
What I'm trying to say is, just live balanced for crying out loud. Then maybe one day you'll contract this thing called Leukemia, get the red stuff, and the clear stuff, and whatever stuff they give you, let them shoot you up full of that stuff. Lay around for about a month, eat every 3 hours, pretty much whatever you want, watch a lot of movies. If you follow this plan perfectly and all goes well, you should lose about 20 lbs.
BUTTTT seriously, it's a good day in the life of CancerKid.
I highly recommend juicing, just fit it into your diet somehow, once a week, twice a day. I won't be all freaky about it, but like I FEEEL sooo good when I drink it. One week ago today, 6 days since my last chemo was awful, I felt horrible but I've juice twice a day since Thursday except yesterday and everything is going great. Pooping, peeing, eating, everything is functioning A okay, I'd say headaches are down. I'd say the only thing that has gotten worse since last week is, less energy, my skin feels like there's bumps all over it, which I can only assume is a sign my hair is about to fall out.
And here we go again, what the heck? I have cancer?! I'll add in another disclaimer right here. This blog doesn't have much structure, I can type a lot faster than I can write by hand and I want to be able to share this experience with anyone and everyone which is why I am posting all of my thoughts here. Today I have more energy than normal, which means less condensed thoughts, which means, this blog makes a lot less sense than it could, with less structure, but my thoughts are here.
Currently listening to Vincible, getting ready for practice right now and stoked! Here we go body, there's a show this weekend that my band was offered to play and it'd be a huge honor, I'd feel awful if I had to back down, but I'm not going to over-exert my body so we scheduled a practice to see how things go.
Sometimes guys, my Flesh Is Weak though.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Not As Easy As Yesterday
Haha, my favorite thing about this whole mess is, the roller-coaster. Dang, and what a ride I am on. I literally stop, probably once an hour and check my check myself. "Why am I laying on this couch all day?" "Oh yea, I'm fighting poison the doctors injected into me and this weird thing in my body called cancer or something."
It's a weird emotion, it's a weird feeling, It's quite the experience though.
Weird, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I've watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, like the whole series, both seasons today and I guess I can't really say that I learned much but it was sort of inspirational to just watch what's going on with food in our nation and what can be done to effect our youth and the future of our society. When he finally re-did a fast food joint, it was super legit and now I'm craving burgers and fries so, here we go family time, burgers and fries prepared at home.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by my family that is helping me with this whole thing.
It's now time to watch some Comedy Sketch with Bob Smiley/Tim Hawkins and some other guy, it's nice to watch something that's not that intense, my brain is just, relaxed. =]
DRINK WATER!
It's a weird emotion, it's a weird feeling, It's quite the experience though.
Weird, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I've watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, like the whole series, both seasons today and I guess I can't really say that I learned much but it was sort of inspirational to just watch what's going on with food in our nation and what can be done to effect our youth and the future of our society. When he finally re-did a fast food joint, it was super legit and now I'm craving burgers and fries so, here we go family time, burgers and fries prepared at home.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by my family that is helping me with this whole thing.
It's now time to watch some Comedy Sketch with Bob Smiley/Tim Hawkins and some other guy, it's nice to watch something that's not that intense, my brain is just, relaxed. =]
DRINK WATER!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
So, this is easy.
Man, I'm kind of behind on this whole blogging thing. I should have started doing this like, day one.
But now that I figured my Macbook out a little bit, played with my new iPod touch, talked to a lot of people, eaten a lot of food, and digested a lot of scripture I think it's time to just get some of brain out here onto the web!
Could I get more hipster?
I posted a big chunk of the pre-cancer build-up story onto my Facebook but I wasn't getting any comments so i just figured it'd be cool to add some flare, via Blogger. =]
Onto something serious though.
This has been so easy because of everyone around me.
When I approached this monster I was horrified, I thought God would shove this mountain out of MY WAY. Unless I'm reading God wrong, He's telling me I get to walk through it, around the curves, dodge the falling snow, try not to freeze; I'm confident He's walking next to me as I fight this "huge" cancerous peak in my life. I came to the "conclusion" I was running into this fight, with God, my sword, and the defense God had given me. All my friends, family, every person praying, every thing going for me right now, it was all standing behind me supporting ME. As if I, Jeffrey was the one chosen to fight this heroic fight and everyone was called to help ME. With a little, or a lot of help from my friends I was shown Romans 12 and researched some of the spiritual gifting. I found the gift of exhortation to be one of the ones that fit me best, maybe I'm still wrong I always kind thought it was the big one, like prophecy or the big hardcore ones ya know? I'm getting distracted right now so this will conclude my slightly ADD post but, I believe my ADD is normal, and hopefully readers will understand too, sometimes I just want to write and now it's all here for you all to read. =]
I'm still figuring this out, but today's interesting "struggle" is that I'm starting to think I'm not really even the one fighting this battle, it's easy for me, this is every single one of you fighting this thing, I'm just the face. Basically, I'm here to encourage you, to use your gift in whatever way possible, I am here to excite what God has given you to use, so Glorify God with what you have, and if that means come bring a prophetic word to me, so be it.
Time to go do what babies do. =] EAT MORE FOOD!
But now that I figured my Macbook out a little bit, played with my new iPod touch, talked to a lot of people, eaten a lot of food, and digested a lot of scripture I think it's time to just get some of brain out here onto the web!
Could I get more hipster?
I posted a big chunk of the pre-cancer build-up story onto my Facebook but I wasn't getting any comments so i just figured it'd be cool to add some flare, via Blogger. =]
Onto something serious though.
This has been so easy because of everyone around me.
When I approached this monster I was horrified, I thought God would shove this mountain out of MY WAY. Unless I'm reading God wrong, He's telling me I get to walk through it, around the curves, dodge the falling snow, try not to freeze; I'm confident He's walking next to me as I fight this "huge" cancerous peak in my life. I came to the "conclusion" I was running into this fight, with God, my sword, and the defense God had given me. All my friends, family, every person praying, every thing going for me right now, it was all standing behind me supporting ME. As if I, Jeffrey was the one chosen to fight this heroic fight and everyone was called to help ME. With a little, or a lot of help from my friends I was shown Romans 12 and researched some of the spiritual gifting. I found the gift of exhortation to be one of the ones that fit me best, maybe I'm still wrong I always kind thought it was the big one, like prophecy or the big hardcore ones ya know? I'm getting distracted right now so this will conclude my slightly ADD post but, I believe my ADD is normal, and hopefully readers will understand too, sometimes I just want to write and now it's all here for you all to read. =]
I'm still figuring this out, but today's interesting "struggle" is that I'm starting to think I'm not really even the one fighting this battle, it's easy for me, this is every single one of you fighting this thing, I'm just the face. Basically, I'm here to encourage you, to use your gift in whatever way possible, I am here to excite what God has given you to use, so Glorify God with what you have, and if that means come bring a prophetic word to me, so be it.
Time to go do what babies do. =] EAT MORE FOOD!
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