Maybe I am Crazy

I don't edit these things, if there's bad grammar, my bad.
If a thought doesn't make sense, welcome to most conversations with me.
I'm not trying to  be angry or cynical right now, I guess i'm conveying my disappointment in the last post I did, I kept wanting to look over it and edit it a little bit add some more, but I didn't want to, I wanted to move on to a new post, where there's a new page of blank white waiting for my brains to spill out on.
This whole blog thing was supposed to be just about keeping the readers up on how I was doing with cancer. Well that's not actually  accurate, no matter what I say this blogs intent is to make you see how Great God is, for you to glorify Him, for you to understand that like the story found in His Word He lets people go through trials because He's so much bigger than our earthly trials and no matter how hard it feels here, it's not the biggest thing.

I'm going crazy, but it's not for the reason I thought. Last weekend I laid around my house because I didn't feel like doing anything else. (some would say because the chemo hit me hard, well that's what happens when I'm drinking poison through a hole in my chest that connects to a tube in my heart.) I've most likely stated this before but I am an extreme extravert; I desire to be around people. Perhaps I'm just not good at handling my emotions but I go a little crazy when I'm not doing anything, and I have less interaction with people than I'm used to. - the whole point of this paragraph though, is not to complain about how last weekend I didn't interact with people, but it was that I have a deeper rooted issue in me than just my desire to talk to people. To dumb my emotions down, in fear I say I long to be wed. I'd rather not dwell on this topic because it's too close to my heart to expose here, prayer for what feels like my broken and lost heart. So before I say more than I'd like, I'll say it's not that I think I'm messed up, more just that it's something I think about it and it breaks me knowing I'm not ready to lead her. And now we depart. Always look for the good in the bad, the moral the of the story, push out of the way the negative and pull out the positive. I'll try to help you here, just think about how I want to talk to people, don't feel sorry for me because I have "cancer" or whatever, don't worry about how I want to have a wife some day, instead see this. The reason i believe I went crazy last week, and why I have emotional breakdowns relating to the search of my wife, is because I have lacked God. Jesus calls us His bride, well there's emotional stability if I just receive it but much like human relations I believe it has to be received at all times, not just once in the morning or once at night(this is where the not talking to people comes in): no, it must be a constant conversation with Him, always seeking for the opportunity to say I love you.
Think of it this way.
A man says I love you first. (Jesus died for you. This was His I love you)
The bride replies (Maybe you have replied with an I love you already once or twice.)
Who says I love you now? My mom is a very love showing person so, she says I love you first 9/10 times.
Be the bride that says I love you, when she says it, my dad replies with, an I love you too.

Don't you want that from the Father Of The Universe, what if all you need to do to get to hear Him say I love you, is to say it first this time? He started it.

p.s. I just wanted to say that, my friend, my accountancies, people who hear my voice, those who have supported me in this rather interesting venture I'm on right now. Thank you. If it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't feel a need to be strong, a need to fight, chances are I wouldn't pick up my sword and put on my armor. I am still fighting, I am still in this fight, and knowing that your all behind me, encourages me to fight.