Sorry guys and lady guys, I haven't written in quite a while, this cycle has been busy, for good reason. I guess it's one of the hardest parts of this treatment. The hospital has become my current home. Pain is someone who comes with me wherever I may go, he's an attached little fella. But this guy pain, oh he's annoying but he's a good teacher. He's not a quick teacher, and you have to study attentively to catch all of what he's talking about.
Crap, so I blinked a few hundred times and looked away about a thousand times and procrastinated for 1000000000seconds. I don't think any of these numbers are accurate but what usually happens during my excited writing happened. I forgot where I was going with this.
Jesus suffered through way more than the pain I will ever know.
Every time I've heard of crucifixion, I imagine a man on a cross having to push up on his nailed feet and hands just to get a breath. Agonizing pain that I understand to breath.
REAL TIME
I might have a fever, might as well go to the hospital tonight since I wasn't planning on sleeping anyways. This is in real time folks, and I'm ADD, this isn't a joke.
I was just sitting here in pain not really breathing mom decided to check temperature and bam 100.9, through many re-checks it ended up lower but she checked it earlier and it was fine. Brb bathroom first.
And over a week later I get back to my blogging.
Basically a bunch of boring medical mumbo jumbo happened and I had some days where I definitely needed to be reminded to praise God because I was in the storm of discomfort and pain.
Here I am though, alive and physically well!
My spirit is broken though. I've caught myself far from my love, far from my God. I am not as intimate with the one who I want to be, I have gotten lazy. I've pushed all immediately gratifying things to my attention. I spend times with my friends, yea it's good to do that, especially for the life I want to live, interacting with people is my life, but it's like going to a party when your girlfriend is sitting at home waiting for you to pick her up because you called and told her you'd be right over.
There is no need to read on from here. I want to post my prayer to God in this moment in case it can encourage you, but these are my words, sent up to the God of the Universe.
Dear God, I miss hearing you. Because I don't listen.
I miss talking to you, because I know you ARE listening.
I miss constantly thinking about you, and watching you move every second. I still recognize your movement when it's "like totally monumental" but the fact that I am alive, is monumental, the fact that I can type is monumental. I mostly just miss being so intimate with you that it was an interruption to have people call me, or get to my destination and have to get out of the car to talk to someone. I'm over using "I miss", and I hate it. I miss having other things to say because you were in my lips. I really miss spilling your works and love out onto every person I encountered. I'm done griping about how wrong I've been. Your insanely huge love blows my mind up! You knew that I was going to walk away and stand you up and wrong you all these times, so many many many times, yet you still died for every single one of us, to let me reach the Father : love. As wrong I am, I believe your sacrifice made me right, and I believe you forgive me. If I am wrong, and you don't forgive me, and I don't get to spend eternity with you, I will live in anguish but that's your choice, I've had many opportunities to just stay with, and have taken just as many steps away from you. Even if you do say depart from me, I never knew you. I love you, because you have already done so much right to me, and done so many good deeds for me, you owe me nothing, I owe you everything. Salvation is icing on the cake really.
God teach me to do your works, help me understand your forgiveness. Most of all God I pray others see I am a man, in love with the God and your The Good in my life.
If you aren't madly in love with God and your reading this. My heart breaks, shatters, it even weeps for you. Talk to me, talk to God, He is there, find the relationship, it's worth every second.
If it doesn't make sense to you but you know you need it, talk to me. I want to see you in Love with my lover, my friend, my father, my God.
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