Gah I don't even know what to blog about. I can't describe at all what's going on and I have no idea how to say anything right now.
What I do know is there is a pain for days in my body and it's super-duper uncomfortable and I kind of hate it. But God like teaches me so much stuff through this all.
I literally don't know what to say at all, for one of the few times in my life I don't feel like I have anything to say at all but there's a message inside of me to give to you.
I've asked for this pain to go away, it has gone away on a few occasions with the help of pain killers and a few hours of sleep. But then it finally dawned on me this morning/last night: God doesn't owe it to us to make us comfortable. THE CREATOR of the UNIVERSE doesn't HAVE to do anything for you.
I guess it feels like I'm trying to make God sound like some angry jerk who's too busy for me but that's not it at all.
Seriously I can't squeeze it out of my head what I'm thinking right now so I'm going to speak plainly.
God is sovereign. He saved, made me and has trained me to face tasks. Much like a child who might not want to understand why he can't have an extra cookie, I just want a cookie.
I don't understand why I can't have my cookie (a painless day, a normal feeling, strong day) but I do trust, God has a plan, He is making/made a place where I can have all the cookies I want and the day I have cookies doesn't have to be today.
I understand this, and I want you to as well, I'm unsure to help you understand but please, if you claim Jesus name at all, claim it, love it, live by His name. There is no point in faking a relationship.
God doesn't deserve to be mocked. God will not make your earthly life perfect, or 100% enjoyable but I hold on to my strength every day
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation%2021:4&version=HCSB
there will be a day, when He will wipe away all my tears.
and believe me, there are tears.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Singlebomb
Being single it's a big deal.
Spreading your attention between two people and two things is no easy task. The only way being coupled with another human of the opposite gender is if they unite for God'e growth. To put all that time and effort into one other flesh when you already place so much time and affection into yourself. Where is the time for work where is the time to be with God, being productive?
There's time for you and if your lucky time for God when your single but when your yolked with someone else how much more difficult is it to incorporate others into the mix. If you are one to be a whole egg for God then by all means do it.
But friend do not forget that this time of your life when you have FREEDOM not being tied to another, for God. If you know me at all you know how much of a struggle this is for me I do love women and I can hardly wait to be with my beautiful bride to be SOMEDAY, but what if there is a specific task I can, should and perhaps even need to do while I am wholly lonely from another flesh.
My wife and I will intercede for the lost, the broken, minister to His children and we will be dangerous against the enemy. But I keep coming back to it. Is there something that I, we should do before we are tied to another?(Us signalers) All the spare time I have away from conversations with her, no specific face in mind to pray for and protect at all times.
Sub-text:I just learned that someone who is 30 died with Leukemia. I pray for this Family's loss. I pray they cope and I pray that people would find God in knowing how short this life is. I add this sub-text in because that could be me in 11 years. How much more can I do in 11 years without devoting this life on a wife? Sub-Sub Text: I learned that this guy (Tony)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zIaZ_0IUKc&feature=plcp
is going to die (according to human doctors) in a few months I do not know where his faith lies, i haven't met him yet although I am trying to get ahold of him. He has leukemia too. I believe God can heal his flesh stronger than any doctor. He is the great doctor. But I more greatly pray for his heart, soul, and flesh that he would love Jesus and believe on THE LORD and be saved from damnation because if his flesh dies here it matters not. There will be a new creation: with no pain. =]
I wait and wait and seek and urge to have a wife some day! But what can I accomplish now without her in my life: how can I be dangerous without her so that when I am with her we become so much more dangerous for God and help Christ together.
Chemistry lesson. Take two highly explosive chemicals, Hydrogen and Oxygen. They are both dangerous stuff they can blow stuff up with just a little spark. Which is needed to provide fire warmth heat and activity. Without a fire ablaze how will "they know where to flock to?" but then when they reach the fire if the two chemicals meet together and join to make h2o can there be sustainance in water?
Use your single dangerousness to bring the flock and if you feel called to change once they have been flocked, meet with another and be united to form a sustainable resource. BOOM!
No intimate prayer at the end this time. I just ask that my God would bless whoever reads this. If my words are just from my mouth, my mind, they will fade from your hear. Hear God's words, hear Him.
Spreading your attention between two people and two things is no easy task. The only way being coupled with another human of the opposite gender is if they unite for God'e growth. To put all that time and effort into one other flesh when you already place so much time and affection into yourself. Where is the time for work where is the time to be with God, being productive?
There's time for you and if your lucky time for God when your single but when your yolked with someone else how much more difficult is it to incorporate others into the mix. If you are one to be a whole egg for God then by all means do it.
But friend do not forget that this time of your life when you have FREEDOM not being tied to another, for God. If you know me at all you know how much of a struggle this is for me I do love women and I can hardly wait to be with my beautiful bride to be SOMEDAY, but what if there is a specific task I can, should and perhaps even need to do while I am wholly lonely from another flesh.
My wife and I will intercede for the lost, the broken, minister to His children and we will be dangerous against the enemy. But I keep coming back to it. Is there something that I, we should do before we are tied to another?(Us signalers) All the spare time I have away from conversations with her, no specific face in mind to pray for and protect at all times.
Sub-text:I just learned that someone who is 30 died with Leukemia. I pray for this Family's loss. I pray they cope and I pray that people would find God in knowing how short this life is. I add this sub-text in because that could be me in 11 years. How much more can I do in 11 years without devoting this life on a wife? Sub-Sub Text: I learned that this guy (Tony)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zIaZ_0IUKc&feature=plcp
is going to die (according to human doctors) in a few months I do not know where his faith lies, i haven't met him yet although I am trying to get ahold of him. He has leukemia too. I believe God can heal his flesh stronger than any doctor. He is the great doctor. But I more greatly pray for his heart, soul, and flesh that he would love Jesus and believe on THE LORD and be saved from damnation because if his flesh dies here it matters not. There will be a new creation: with no pain. =]
I wait and wait and seek and urge to have a wife some day! But what can I accomplish now without her in my life: how can I be dangerous without her so that when I am with her we become so much more dangerous for God and help Christ together.
Chemistry lesson. Take two highly explosive chemicals, Hydrogen and Oxygen. They are both dangerous stuff they can blow stuff up with just a little spark. Which is needed to provide fire warmth heat and activity. Without a fire ablaze how will "they know where to flock to?" but then when they reach the fire if the two chemicals meet together and join to make h2o can there be sustainance in water?
Use your single dangerousness to bring the flock and if you feel called to change once they have been flocked, meet with another and be united to form a sustainable resource. BOOM!
No intimate prayer at the end this time. I just ask that my God would bless whoever reads this. If my words are just from my mouth, my mind, they will fade from your hear. Hear God's words, hear Him.
Starved and fat, thirsty and overflowing
I'll just get right into this before I lose my train of thought and nothing makes sense.
I've had another rough chemo-tastic week, filled with steroids that make me insatiably hungry but turn everything into a disgusting taste after just awhile. My mouth has been again condemned with slight sores, which really just plays into the whole gross mouth feeling thing.
Water really isn't too appetizing when the mouth is so filled with disgusting, when I reached for it every time it didn't satisfy the way I was hoping it would. Longing for a washing away of the grossness feeling. Not drinking makes me super dehydrated too and when a chemo man gets dehydrated bad stuff happens. I don't even know, my hips felt like they were going to explode and then I got a pinched nerve feeling in my spine that cause STUPID painful convulsions in my stomach, super weird.
That's the physical and now onto the spiritual.
Have you ever been so hungry that you aren't hungry any more? Have you ever been so dehydrated for so long it seems pointless to get something to quench it?
I can't say I've had this in the physical but there have been moments or long spurts in my life where I was so far from God I couldn't taste Him or feel Him near my belly and I wasn't satisfied. I'm not writing to convert, I'm writing to explain my head, my emotions, my feelings, be convicted if you chose to.
Rapping up this short, seemingly direct post I'd like to say.
It was a week of my life, a week I endured painfully with the help of the family, sleep some INCREDIBLE friends and no matter how far my mind/spirit drifted from me, my God.
He will quench. He is water.
He will satisfy, He is bread.
I've had another rough chemo-tastic week, filled with steroids that make me insatiably hungry but turn everything into a disgusting taste after just awhile. My mouth has been again condemned with slight sores, which really just plays into the whole gross mouth feeling thing.
Water really isn't too appetizing when the mouth is so filled with disgusting, when I reached for it every time it didn't satisfy the way I was hoping it would. Longing for a washing away of the grossness feeling. Not drinking makes me super dehydrated too and when a chemo man gets dehydrated bad stuff happens. I don't even know, my hips felt like they were going to explode and then I got a pinched nerve feeling in my spine that cause STUPID painful convulsions in my stomach, super weird.
That's the physical and now onto the spiritual.
Have you ever been so hungry that you aren't hungry any more? Have you ever been so dehydrated for so long it seems pointless to get something to quench it?
I can't say I've had this in the physical but there have been moments or long spurts in my life where I was so far from God I couldn't taste Him or feel Him near my belly and I wasn't satisfied. I'm not writing to convert, I'm writing to explain my head, my emotions, my feelings, be convicted if you chose to.
Rapping up this short, seemingly direct post I'd like to say.
It was a week of my life, a week I endured painfully with the help of the family, sleep some INCREDIBLE friends and no matter how far my mind/spirit drifted from me, my God.
He will quench. He is water.
He will satisfy, He is bread.
It's like Roid rage, only I'm happy
Gawrsh, it's almost 3 AM and I'm supposed to be meeting my pastor at 9AM to sorta job shadow.
I'm going to be late first of all, but if I do make it at anywhere near the time we planned I will be tired; but drugs help and their also part of the reason I'm here: it's steroid week.
SIDE EFFECT STEROIDS:Insomnia?
Hahaha, I forgot because last time I was on them I felt like poop and I just wanted to sleep all the time. Fortunately for both of us, I'm not tired, I'm inspired and I'm ready to write. Sadly, I'm a little scatter brained as well. Hold on.
Okay so I really kind of want to preach, I never thought I'd say that. I was laying here trying to sleep and it came to me, I need to read through the entire bible, like really bad. Now I'm thinking about how inspiring I feel when people like my status on Facebook when they're about Jesus. A biblically based inspiration Facebook status is pretty much preaching? Woah, brain melt. I like doing it a lot though, and I'm almost disappointed when I don't do it more often. I guess that's why I'm going to creep on my pastor later and learn. I don't feel called to you snow heads though, I love you and I pray you love Jesus. But I've learned in my life, although I'm praying to grow in this area, those older than me aren't my specialty. If you don't think I'm cool, my words mean a lot less. Some people older than me think I'm cool but, she's not that old. Love you mom ;]
Yatta yatta, preachy time.
SERIOUSLY IF YOU CLAIM TO LOVE JESUS READ THIS.
I'm young and at times I can be naive.(I googled this word like 6 times to spell it) Pretty much everyone loves love though. Even stupid narcissistic(that is people who are VERY into themselves) people love love! We like attention, or I do and I THINK most people do. SO if someone wrote you like 52 love letters, before you were ever born and sent them all to you. Then you find out this person did so much other stuff just so they could be with you. Like prepared a (house) place for you to live and gathered enough wealth to take care of you forever. When you finally found these letters wouldn't you eat them up no matter how "BORING" you thought they were? "Guhh this part was stupid why did they even include this?" Wouldn't you still just for the sake of being able to tell this lovely person you read them all, read every letter AT LEAST ONCE? To me it seems pretty rude, retarded, selfish, and just straight up douchy to claim love to someone who did all that for you and then not even read those letters.
oh yea, that's THE BIBLE. SO
read it maybe?
It's funny that I just wrote all of that, because when I jumped out of my bed turned my light on and ran to my computer neither of those things were really on my mind and the thing I was really thinking about totally left my mind. I pray that's not the bad guys distractions. I pray that God had a plan for me to write this instead.
Cool cool, cool cool cool. I'm tired. I can't think of anything else and I got to grow a relationship I never though I would further. A productive visit with the early hours of the morning.
Although there is one more thing that's on my mind.
A few days ago I posted something on Facebook because it was like melting my forehead and I had to say it. But I'm pretty sure it made no sense without context and without what I really meant it seemed like it missed because I got like 2 likes, and for reals. that's not enough for me.
I'm probably addicted to likes, just saying.
It's the sunday afternoon 2 days post our return from a week at Pacific Beach. I slept/rested most of the trip. The week I got the day we left and the chemo week before that pretty much made me feel like a sac of pooop. I still feel like poop on this Sunday but I finally decided that I'd try to do something and see if moving would make me feel better so I decide to mow the equivalent of 3-4 front yards and edge make it all look pretty. Then I was going to wash my car but I got tired. Anyways it came to me that I'd rather make it to the end of a day and be ridiculously tired and say man I wish I had more energy to complete the tasks I had laid out before me. Because most days I just go to bed because the sun is down, or everyone else in my house goes to sleep or I know I need to wake up at a certain time. Rarely do I finish something and just say, wow I can't go any further I need to stop and get some energy in the form of sleep or food. Making for lots of wasted energy and for lots of "I wish we had more day to spend". Maybe we do have more day to spend, we just don't use it right.
Bla bla bla, use your energy, grind your fingers till they fall off, keep walking till it hurts. run till you can't. There is a resting place, this isn't it. We are the job site, the work zone, except once a week. ;]
Yea I think that's it. Now I have to go finish the other two I write like a week ago and forgot to finish haha. Blog morning!
Love Jeffrey
I'm going to be late first of all, but if I do make it at anywhere near the time we planned I will be tired; but drugs help and their also part of the reason I'm here: it's steroid week.
SIDE EFFECT STEROIDS:Insomnia?
Hahaha, I forgot because last time I was on them I felt like poop and I just wanted to sleep all the time. Fortunately for both of us, I'm not tired, I'm inspired and I'm ready to write. Sadly, I'm a little scatter brained as well. Hold on.
Okay so I really kind of want to preach, I never thought I'd say that. I was laying here trying to sleep and it came to me, I need to read through the entire bible, like really bad. Now I'm thinking about how inspiring I feel when people like my status on Facebook when they're about Jesus. A biblically based inspiration Facebook status is pretty much preaching? Woah, brain melt. I like doing it a lot though, and I'm almost disappointed when I don't do it more often. I guess that's why I'm going to creep on my pastor later and learn. I don't feel called to you snow heads though, I love you and I pray you love Jesus. But I've learned in my life, although I'm praying to grow in this area, those older than me aren't my specialty. If you don't think I'm cool, my words mean a lot less. Some people older than me think I'm cool but, she's not that old. Love you mom ;]
Yatta yatta, preachy time.
SERIOUSLY IF YOU CLAIM TO LOVE JESUS READ THIS.
I'm young and at times I can be naive.(I googled this word like 6 times to spell it) Pretty much everyone loves love though. Even stupid narcissistic(that is people who are VERY into themselves) people love love! We like attention, or I do and I THINK most people do. SO if someone wrote you like 52 love letters, before you were ever born and sent them all to you. Then you find out this person did so much other stuff just so they could be with you. Like prepared a (house) place for you to live and gathered enough wealth to take care of you forever. When you finally found these letters wouldn't you eat them up no matter how "BORING" you thought they were? "Guhh this part was stupid why did they even include this?" Wouldn't you still just for the sake of being able to tell this lovely person you read them all, read every letter AT LEAST ONCE? To me it seems pretty rude, retarded, selfish, and just straight up douchy to claim love to someone who did all that for you and then not even read those letters.
oh yea, that's THE BIBLE. SO
read it maybe?
It's funny that I just wrote all of that, because when I jumped out of my bed turned my light on and ran to my computer neither of those things were really on my mind and the thing I was really thinking about totally left my mind. I pray that's not the bad guys distractions. I pray that God had a plan for me to write this instead.
Cool cool, cool cool cool. I'm tired. I can't think of anything else and I got to grow a relationship I never though I would further. A productive visit with the early hours of the morning.
Although there is one more thing that's on my mind.
A few days ago I posted something on Facebook because it was like melting my forehead and I had to say it. But I'm pretty sure it made no sense without context and without what I really meant it seemed like it missed because I got like 2 likes, and for reals. that's not enough for me.
I'm probably addicted to likes, just saying.
It's the sunday afternoon 2 days post our return from a week at Pacific Beach. I slept/rested most of the trip. The week I got the day we left and the chemo week before that pretty much made me feel like a sac of pooop. I still feel like poop on this Sunday but I finally decided that I'd try to do something and see if moving would make me feel better so I decide to mow the equivalent of 3-4 front yards and edge make it all look pretty. Then I was going to wash my car but I got tired. Anyways it came to me that I'd rather make it to the end of a day and be ridiculously tired and say man I wish I had more energy to complete the tasks I had laid out before me. Because most days I just go to bed because the sun is down, or everyone else in my house goes to sleep or I know I need to wake up at a certain time. Rarely do I finish something and just say, wow I can't go any further I need to stop and get some energy in the form of sleep or food. Making for lots of wasted energy and for lots of "I wish we had more day to spend". Maybe we do have more day to spend, we just don't use it right.
Bla bla bla, use your energy, grind your fingers till they fall off, keep walking till it hurts. run till you can't. There is a resting place, this isn't it. We are the job site, the work zone, except once a week. ;]
Yea I think that's it. Now I have to go finish the other two I write like a week ago and forgot to finish haha. Blog morning!
Love Jeffrey
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