I haven't been in an English class for almost 3 years; even when I finished that class I wasn't all that confident in my writing skills. I can assume now I'm only worse at formulating sentences and splashing in commas where they're actually supposed to be. Sometimes I just misspell words. (Thanks spell check) These words I saw are a petty attempt to help myself feel justified for my horrible lack of focus on one singular topic and the complete and utter madness that goes on in my head that some days I just feel like if I don't scream about it to someone somewhere I might explode, in the words of Rachel from He is We "We all have a story to tell, wether we whisper or yell." I have a story and I just want to tell it.
Well shoot, after saying all that mumbo jumbo my emotional high has collapsed. This is who I am though, I hear a song which leads me to some inspirational bit about not yelling at people in my life, or I watch a movie that makes me want to have kids and treat them a certain way, or maybe I see a food that makes me just want to cook every thing I see, what I'm trying to say in this drawn out sentence is that I get inspired by one thing and then get distracted and don't chase much all the way through.
I like my life like the roller coaster it is some days but others I don't. In the same manner I get excited to get on the ride I get the same excitement to get off of it. All of these waves in my life have put me in some situations I'm not proud of and some I'm totally into. Mostly the times I actually chased after Jesus were the ones I'm glad to say happen but there are times where I've gotten on a ride that has taken me to spend countless hours on things that really won't even matter at the end of my life. I'm also not much of the type of person who tries to focus on my regrets though. Yes, yes Mr. Blogger I have made choices I think my life could have been a lot better off without, but no if I had a time machine would I go back and change many of them. I pray for those I have hurt in the wake of my roller coaster life but I also celebrate where this roller coaster of pain has led me away from.
My first girlfriend, put me in some bad situations and I maybe wish I hadn't started down that path since it did do some things to my life I can't take back but if it hadn't happened I probably wouldn't have stayed a virgin for so long, it's the reason I have (despite my girl chasing ways) tried to search for a wife and not just a "fun girlfriend" for this weekend. Which, is such a huge part of me, my wrestle with girls is real, and not even in a joking way, it pains me that I can't be every great girls "perfect guy. I want to be perfect for someone out there, and I didn't have this mentality at all until after the experience of my first girlfriend, at that point I would have dated a banana if it said it liked me. (However she was/is much greater than a banana)
What did I just write? I feel like I'm texting someone a really long message when they asked me no question and had no idea what I would write back. Mr. Blogger said Hi and this is what I replied with, weird. Sorry Mr. Blogger for all that. I just I guess I feel like sharing. There's too much in my mind.
I want to write about my struggles with hurting people.
I want to save the broken, the lost, the girls that have been battered.
I want to hold the hand of the sick man who hates himself for what he's done.
I want so much to be perfect.
I want to struggle about my stress from not being perfect.
I really want to chose to not focus on myself, all of these statements start with I. What if I lived a life that didn't start with I, and instead focused on you, them, and occasionally us but didn't start with I every time? What a different life I would live. I guess it finally just clicked in my life why I am searching so hard right now, I'm ready to change my life, I'm not who I have been, and I, I, I am not what I want to be right now.
This weekend, Thursday and Friday I signed up for a Conference, a youth Rally, whatever you want to call it, I want my world to be rocked, I plan to not be the same, I don't want to keep worrying about me, you are my priority, that's why I'm even writing, in my mind if I write these blogs you will grow, you will transform for the person you are even if I inspire you to write, or to read, or to eat a cheesecake that inspire you to fly to the woman creating space gravity that influences millions of lives to take another look at Jesus my writing becomes about you and not just a broken, foolish, wrong 21 year old boy-man.
Thanks for wading through my brain with me. If you see someone struggling, ask them, "may I call you out on this err?" If they say no, stop but if they ask for correction please do so. There are many in our world that just need the right stir at the right time from the right people, who do you need to inspire today?
Be inspired friends, today isn't it all. There is more, but while we have today, we might as well make the best of it.
To quote another favorite artist. "Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives. "
And lastly here is something I have been putting off for some time but I think it's time to share.
I asked a very dear friend to show me some of their writings because we have similar thoughts on things and I wanted to know how she was doing in her eloquent writing style.
So here is something she wrote and I asked if I could share it.
"For once in my life, I'm not going to try to write... there are times late at night when my mind wanders in and out of reality and now I want my mind to wander on paper. no rules, no end goal of how I want my readers to feel, no point, just real, raw, human thoughts. A thought has come upon me and dwelt with me these last few months, and I can't seem to completely dismiss it..
When did I become so blind? When did these tumors consume my face and distort my body so completely? I remember the day I first understood what they meant when they said I had a "disease." It was a little foreboding, but not terribly frightening because everyone had this disease... just in different degrees. And it was going to be OK, because there were treatments, proven treatments that worked %100. And although it's incurable while we live, it can be kept to such a manageable level that you can hardly see the evidence of it's existence on your body... It all seemed so possible, possible to live a completely good and normal life... what happened?
Treatment wasn't hard to begin with, it was easy... Fun even. I could go to the beautiful Garden and just spend time there and any small tumor or blacken spots would fade away... And the more time I spent in the Garden, I started to feel healthier for longer and would just go, not to be healed, but to enjoy the garden, to sit by the waterfall and gaze on the lovely flowers and birds... It's been so long since I could walk strait, it's almost painful to remember those days... And then I also remember in those days, the times I would get distracted and forget completely to take treatments... Or even purposely skipped doses to enjoy a certain meal that I couldn't eat, or do "exciting" things that were warned against when taking treatment...
And oh how I would cry and cry when the sores came back, and the tumors started to show, and my arms would blacken... How I would feel so disappointed in myself so becoming so shamefully sickening.. And I would run back to that garden with tears in my eyes and it MEANT something... My heart would change so much and be so new and fresh once more... And I knew, I was loved and forgiven. What happened to that girl? I know we were born with the seed of this cancer in us, but when did it corrupt and twist my heart so? When did I allow it to devourer that little girl with tears and pain in her eyes for what she had done wrong? I can hardly remember what it was like to be her...
She would repent so earnestly so such small things... And then bigger things too, but before she understood how big they were.. It was as if something inside of her guided her, and now that something is somehow lost or gone... Chased out by the blackness and sludge that has corroded the insides of my body. I am now more twisted and malled than I have ever been; my face is hardly recognizable as human from the tumors that grow over half of it... My eyes seem to have a film over them and everything I see is tinted with a layer of dust, my skin is a mix of red nail marks, dry scales, and blackish blue patches... My legs have twisted and my back is so bent you could not find one single strait line.... I stumble and crawl and have adjusted...I can function well enough as many others do, and I can hide the majorities of my disfigurements, or claim them to be scars not of my doing...
What happened to the Garden you ask? It's still there, just as lovely as ever... But I do not see it as I once did, I see it through my cynical dust tinted eyes... And it almost sickens me with it's beauty... I don't belong there anymore. I sometimes still go and take the treatments, and my tumors and sores start to decrease, my skin turns pale again and I am happy and filled with joy. But I have been so warped the treatments are no longer easy or fun, but extremely hard and painful... taking weeks, months at a time... so I leave the garden after a few days, because it's too much. And I don't want to explain to everyone why I would be gone for so long... I don't want to be seen as the twisted freak I am, I mean after all... at least I go at all, and I'm not so mangled as others...
And when I am away from the Garden I am convinced I am not welcome there, and besides... What's the point when I'll just make more mistakes in the future and the tumors will grow back? It doesn't seem to matter to me... I've somehow killed that little girl, it doesn't hurt me anymore when my skin blackens and sores fester... I've accepted it as a part of life. I don't...no, I can't cry for my mistakes any more... No matter how much I know them to be wrong and evil, I don't feel anything... My soul is filled with an apathy that is choking my very being. I just don't seem to care. I apologize and go to the Garden because I know I should or because I want to be able to fit in... I remember a time I went willfully and joyfully couldn't wait to get there... Now I slowly drag my feet with half a heart. I've turned to dust... and it makes me wonder if I ever had a chance of being healed....
I feel as if I can't control my apathy... It is like a death that just comes... I can't fight this. I can't fight the sickness of my soul, it's too much, I'm not who I was and I can't get back to her... I'm scared, too scared to fight... What will be asked of me? What will I have to give up or miss out on? Why not just wait until I'm truly dying completely, and then get healed and deal with the pain all at once? Why can't something be easy for once? I've lost my heart, it's been too far twisted and burned by the poison I swallow with a fake smile... A small pebble growing with mold and webs is in it's place, and I am too selfish and fearful to ask the Surgeon of all creation for a transplant... It would mean such recovery and pain, such time and honesty, it would mean changing everything and giving everything I want up...
The scars of my past, be they from others or myself are too much... I've lost too much of who I was meant to be... I can't get that back. I can't change who I've been, it's too late... I am broken and have nothing to offer... Not even a completely willing spirit. It's not fair of me to ask to be forgiven, I've made my bed and I don't see how I can ask for another... My thoughts and memories are too bruised and scarred. And it is with thoughts like these that I sincerely wonder if I am even intended for Christ... Perhaps instead I am but a Judas, self deceived and but a pawn for the story... What if He doesn't want me now? What if I've fallen too far? What if I repent completely but fail Him again? What if I was never saved? What if His Holy Spirit has left me because of the poison and sludge I consume? And what's the worst part of these thoughts that swirl 'round in my head? The fact that I don't care about the answers. Whatever they may be... I just don't seem to have the energy to care. It's like I'm making the choice to eat bowl fulls of fat and sugar (aka ice cream anyone?) everyday, and I know I'm gaining weight and thwarting myself from my pretty new wardrobe that I worked so hard to buy... but I continue to eat it.. because I just want to deal with now, not later... and I'll never be skinny enough to look good in those clothes anyways, right? No matter how hard I try... so why try? Why care? I have grown calloused and cynical to the good in life... nothing is pure, lovely, or right... But somewhere underneath all of this darkness is a small voice crying out for help, crying out for someone to hear me and not turn away, I don't understand these feelings, I don't know what to do with these thoughts! This wasn't a part of the deal, I never bargained to lose myself and my passion for life, I never expected to feel so much of nothing... it's like a silence that swallows me without mercy and I am left unheard, or thought to be crazy... Why?! Why were we never told this could happen, that the flame so bright and exciting lit by the Holy Spirit could burn so low or even flicker out by the cold hard winds of apathy and death? Why is everything such taboo, why can't we speak our fears and dark thoughts without being seen as "unclean" and crazy to our fellow Christians? Why must we all pretend to be sane, when everything around us is spiraling out of control - "Fake it till you make it" seems to have become the motto of Christian life. For me, being raised as Christian was a lot like being taught to drive with a workbook and bumpers cars at the fair. You get all the main ideas of how to start the car, and what does what, from the book, and then you go to the fair, get into a bright blue bumper car with a tall green flag on the back and you're off! Lights flash and the air is filled with music and laughter, and for two whole minuets it's the best time of your life, so exciting.. and yeah you learned how to drive... you know how the gas peddle works, and the break, and how to turn the wheel... you get it. And I mean sure, you know that in real life you're not really "suppose" to run into other cars because it's dangerous and blahblahblha... but it won't really hurt you now and it's a heck of a lot more fun when you do... Well one day you're all grown up, and it's time for the real road- You're handed the keys and given a map to follow... you know all the do's and don't's of the road, you've got this! You start off slow and cautious, going the exact speed limit and following all the rules. Time goes on and things go wrong, it gets dark and you take a wrong turn, you run out of gas, you pick up a hitchhiker, stop for food... any and all manner of things happen, and you're so tired you just want to be there already! So you start to speed.. at first maybe it's because you've never done it, or you want things to move faster... but the more you speed and swerve, you more confidant you are in your driving ability, and heck you've got a safe car, Dad got you the best, so nothing can go wrong because you're protected! And then it happens, you get in a fender bender, no big deal! See, you're just fine! The car doesn't even look back, only a few scratches! And you back into a poll in the parking lot... and then you get rear ended... and a few speeding tickets here and there... You feel slightly delusional about this car that was supposedly going to protect you from everything... but you know, that's life and you're fine... Then late one night, it's dark and rainy and you've had all manner of stuff to deal with and you just want some fun... the car next to you signals to race... this is you're chance, this is your fun.. You start and it's the most exciting thing you've ever done, you can't believe you've never tried it before! Everything is fine and going great, you're in the lead! But up ahead is a fallen branch you never saw... you spin off the road and down the side of the hill... The next thing you remember is waking up with both your legs gone. You're life is changed forever. How could this happen? Why did this happen? Your car was the best of it's kind! Fool proof! You were protected against this kind of thing! This is what happens to people dumb people, you had a special car... it's impossible to crash... this is a bad dream ... this can't be happening. Much like a fancy car we grow up thinking that somehow as Christians we are immune to consequences, our faith will protect us no matter what choices we make, well it doesn't. We were given free will, and while God never wants us to crash and burn, if we drive off a cliff there may or may not be trees there to catch your fall.. you could be fine, or you could be dead. Our faith as Christians is not a protection, but a challenge, a daily battle that unless we are trained for, we will fail... so instead of teaching with bumper cars and rosy promises of amazing "feels" of the Holy Spirit filling us with endless joy, why not also talk about the death rate, the temptations that we all feel, our fears... let's be real for once and admit that we are human sinners first, that were then saved by grace and became Christians.... it's not our first nature! Let's talk about the things that scare us, the things we want, good and bad, let's stop making things taboo... I'm crying out to be heard, to know that I'm not alone... I doubt, I sin , I fear! I"M NOT PERFECT. These fears are real and natural... I'm not crazy... but why can't we talk about these things with other Christians without feeling like failures? Aren't we All failures? "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" - Romans 3:23
These thoughts and feeling have consumed me in my isolation and "happy" American youth. Hello, my name is Girl I'm perfectly fine on the outside, a "good" Christian with a happy family and nice friends... everything is just dandy. #fine-not-fine"
