I just can't handle it. I started writing on paper then I was like shoot. There's quite a lot of people who haven't gone through what I've gone through and aren't going through this. This isn't the worst thing I've experienced in my life and I don't think it will be the hardest fight I go through. So join me.
Only those who know me very well will know that I am an extremely emotional person, I take everything you say deeply into consideration, especially if I view it hurtful. I literally lie awake at night thinking about whether or not certain people do or don't want to be my friends. If what you say about me is right, if I really am those things. I haven't figured out a great way to channel this yet. I'm still working on it. I guess that's why I'm here isn't it? This goes far beyond that though, I think about the future, the past, the present, mostly when no one is around though. Well usually I try to be alone when I fall apart emotionally because I don't like people being bothering them selves with the little problems I try to force upon myself.
I really just wanted to post here because an old friend of mine from Texas really encouraged me to continue writing and explain what it's like for me to go through having cancer, and dealing with chemo.
Bla bla bla, I really want to get good at writing and lose all that mumbling jumbo bimbo that just fills in the cracks of stuff that makes sense, This sentence for instance would be a good idea to get rid of, since it says nothing, but I want to say it, because I want the reader to understand how much I want to be more efficient and a better writing, it's just not happening.
Here, details. I'm in pain. The place I used to call throne is no longer so white in my eyes. When my stomach bites me I try to listen and go where it wants me to go, but sitting in this place is not as pleasurable as it used to be. If I'm lucky to release a bundle of joy it is soon after followed by pain and itching. And the itching persists, somehow all over my body, even for a few hours, it's madness can haunt me.
Onto another set of discomforts, I tried to be strong, when my body was weak, and I have painfully tender blisters covering the bottom of my feet. On more still, the inside of my mouth is plagued with mucositis, yup so, sore throat, mouth is sore, uber sensitive, like I feel the slightest piece of apple could slice open the side of my wall, my lips are chapped and as a result it's hard to open my mouth fully.
That's pretty all for the direct pain I'm dealing with all day long, today I got a mad spell of tiredness where I literally just had to stop and sit for like a half an hour because I just didn't want to move, then I got to lay down, and my stomach started to hurt, oh how these pains play into each other.
As for things I've got the pleasure to enjoy as side effects of the overall chemo experience, well I get cramps from time to time in my legs, usually when I'm not active for awhile, not too often. But I get cramps in the palms of my hands randomly, constantly all day long, everyday. Anyways, I got this rant out of my system, and I feel like I've helped our reader to understand what sort of things I deal with via chemo.
Last words for this post.
The chemo I am enjoying the reprocussions from right now, I believe I will never have to get again, means most of these things I might not have to deal with either, I like this. It helps me remember that this is a tunnel, and there is a light at the end, and I can see it if I look hard enough.
Sometimes, it's okay to look at the wall and say, there is no way out, even if you are lying to be reminded that there is a way to go, and there is a right way to go.
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