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and other random almost profane babblings should go above.
I guess that's really not the best greeting since I haven't said anything in quite a while.
I can't say a lot has been happening, but I also sure can't say nothing has been going no in my life.
I'm just going to dive in and not preface anything and we'll see where we end up, kay? Kay!
Tonight I got a little bit more frustrated than I usually do. It's Spring Break for most of my friend's here and since I'm still not in school and I don't have any plans to go back to school I like to engage and spend much of my time with anyone involved with school to sorta still get the feeling that I am involved in something sort of like schooling. That and most of my friends that are in town for spring break graduated with or near me and I love very dearly. Back to frustration though. I was at a function, a friend's graduation from LPN schooling and I kind of rushed out so I could drop my brothers off back at home to go see my great friend who I just heard was in town for break. When I get home I see a text saying "don't come over I'm sick and I don't want to get you sick". (I'm at the point in my cancer treatment where I feel like I'm a little bit immortal, as if no ailment will come over me that I can't handle, "so what if I get sick I'll go to the hospital for a week and feel fine w/e") This text sort of upset me and I just replied " okay don't worry i'm coming over anyways." Moments later the reply is "no, don't come over my dad really doesn't want me to get you sick, I'll see you in a few days don't worry." ugh, so I wasn't really into the idea of not seeing her but I didn't want to upset daddy and I really like her family. So disgruntled I decide not to go over to her house. But I had already started driving so I call up another mentor/friend to see if I can maybe hang out with him and when I call him the message I got when I picked up was that he thought I shouldn't come over because he was trying to get over the flu, he didn't want to get me sick. It was like I heard the same thing twice in two minutes from completely different area's of my life and shoot I wasn't ready for that.
So disgruntled I drove home and avoided about 10 calls from my mentor/friend and his wife. I honestly acted like a little punk brat kid. But I was upset, all of this time I thought this cancer thing was cool, it was kind of nice to think that everyone saw me as week so that when I end up being able to do cool things like, lift weights or play games it was pretty incredible but when I don't have the opportunity to show that I'm fine it makes me feel like I'm some sort of week, petty, pathetic version of myself. As if I'm weaker and less of a person than someone else. It's really pretty unrealistic because I'm sure they would say the same thing to others but being weak like I was and some people avoiding me specifically when I was super sick in the hospital and the doctors told people who were sick not to come see me I'm extra sensitive to things like that.
There's really not much of a moral to this blog, not really nope. It's kind of just a look into my life, people with cancer even if we don't say it can be sensitive, there's such a stigma related to cancer it's crazy.
I feel like people feel more inclined to do nice things for me because I've had cancer but I also feel like people expect less of me for the same reason. Discretion is huge.
Do unto others kiddo's.
Luke 6:31
This is the night of March 21st but I probably won't post it for week or more, just to leave out some drama and let things settle.
Dang. I know how that goes.
ReplyDeleteexcept imagine a diabetic's situation. where every one thinks you can't handle eating any normal food. I mean I've been diabetic for 11 years, and its gotten better, my friends treat me normally. but people (especially older adults) now try to baby me. "oh, you can't have candy, right courtney?" "I got you sugar free gum." "you have to eat gluten free items right?" "why are you eating a cookie?" it got so old, and frankly uncomfortable, and embarrassing.
I can take care of myself now. And I feel normal. but it sucks when people try to treat you abnormally, like I'm fragile or with one bite of candy, I'll go into a coma--which isn't true.
my parents tried to be encouraging about it, and treat me as normally as possible (while also being concerned about my health) but as far as other people they just don't understand. my dad tried to tell me, it's just their way of being a good friend and caring for me. I try to think of it now from their perspective instead of being mad at them. but, I also try to educate them, and let them know I'll be ok; I know how to handle myself.
I'm sorry, that you feel like they see you as weak. But, they just might not understand. Be patient. Good luck!