I guess I don't really know a whole about what this means to me but I feel like I'm in the wrong world, I wish the world was a little more like the movies, or the movie that plays in my head.
Take away some of these formalaties that we carry in our minds for no reason. Things we want to say but for fear of "offending" someone we can't say it. I understand that we should be respectful, and not insult people but, yatta yatta, I'm side tracked.
I always want to write a long blog so that's why I end up getting lost and confused in what I'm trying to say, but, back on topic.
Oh my gosh I wish I had a video of me, it took me like 5 minutes from the time I said that until the time I started re-write this, so I'm really not in the mood to blog right now, a GREAT friend of mine told me recently that I need to get back to blogging, I need to get my head straight, I'm not really who I want to be and I'm not even who I think I am.
WHY I STARTED WRITING THIS BLOG.
I want to ask a girl out, not one girl specifically right now, but I want to be able to walk to a girl and be like hey, wanna go get a soda sometime? Why can't I do that? I feel like everyone has made it more complicated. Maybe it's actually just me that's over complicating something that isn't really complicated, but I feel like I can't just do that, it has to be coffee, or when I get older drinks, like beer or martini's or whatever, why can't it be simple? Even a picnic in the park isn't the most simple thing, why can't a date be a walk through the park? What is a date more than trying to get more intimate and learn more about the other person? My date idea's are like, huge elaboate picnic, with a hike, and a long day's drive to the beach, fireworks under the sun, hahaha. Maybe just my dream dates are the ones that are out of the world, I just wish there wasn't an expectation to have those incredible things all the time, in a relationship, every date won't be like that, every day won't be like that, maybe every once in awhile and it would be cool to do that, but I want to be able to go out with my future someone and just get a soda and take a walk in the park, that sounds like a fantastic way to learn about eachother. I guess, maybe I should just do it, all it takes it 20 seconds of insane courage right?
SOrry for the scatterbrainedness, it's a sunday after picnic, I just found out a good friend is going to the Philippines in two weeks, so I'm basically brain rushing to go hang out with her. Off to party! =]
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Giggly antsy, tingling feet.
I'm feeling great phsyically, like wow, I'm pretty much back to what I was before this whole cancer orangoutang, or shenanigan, whatever. I go to see plays, I'm working here and there, I hang out with friends all the time, I go to church but I don't feel like my life is moving forward at all. I'm in regular contact with Jesus, I read His word, albeit not as much as I'd like, but I don't think I will ever spend as much time as I'd like alone with God until I die. But this is where my stress lies.
Am I growing towards anything in my life? Is this day going to get me any closer to my dream of serving hundreds, thousands, millions of peoples lives by inviting them into the kingdom through music and words? Usually on the days I get consumed by these thoughts I fall apart. I still struggle with angry thoughts towards myself and I am crushed by fear of failure. Most days I feel like I am some sort of super-human since I was able to survive a "near death" experience from cancer. But other days I feel lower, weaker than other humans. As if my life was in some way worth a little bit less than anyone else's.
Other than some random babbling and me just speaking my mind a little bit, this has nothing more to say than: no matter what mountains you go through, what heights you get to see on your climb towards Jesus, or in search of happiness there is more. And regardless of what valley's you have fallen in to, what great depths you have seen in your pain, agony, grief, close to fatal life encounters, there is still up. The mountain climber, and the valley traverser as well as the one who has never gone through a high or a low has much to explore in life. There is always a taller altitude to reach. Coming from a very "religious" background I interject it into all of my writings, especially these, blogs or whatever you call this. When I'm on here, I'm trying to preach as best as I can hoping to captivate anyone I can.
Gah, this post makes me remember that I'm so bad at going back over things and re-writing. I wrote this like a month ago and haven't decide to post it until now and I keep reading back over it, but it just feels, well it feels like I don't have anything else to add, this is real, this is me.
Gah, this post makes me remember that I'm so bad at going back over things and re-writing. I wrote this like a month ago and haven't decide to post it until now and I keep reading back over it, but it just feels, well it feels like I don't have anything else to add, this is real, this is me.
Monday, April 8, 2013
I'm not sick but I'm not well
dfdhfdhfwewwehb
dsfbdhfbehre
lsdhfbsdhfbdf
and other random almost profane babblings should go above.
I guess that's really not the best greeting since I haven't said anything in quite a while.
I can't say a lot has been happening, but I also sure can't say nothing has been going no in my life.
I'm just going to dive in and not preface anything and we'll see where we end up, kay? Kay!
Tonight I got a little bit more frustrated than I usually do. It's Spring Break for most of my friend's here and since I'm still not in school and I don't have any plans to go back to school I like to engage and spend much of my time with anyone involved with school to sorta still get the feeling that I am involved in something sort of like schooling. That and most of my friends that are in town for spring break graduated with or near me and I love very dearly. Back to frustration though. I was at a function, a friend's graduation from LPN schooling and I kind of rushed out so I could drop my brothers off back at home to go see my great friend who I just heard was in town for break. When I get home I see a text saying "don't come over I'm sick and I don't want to get you sick". (I'm at the point in my cancer treatment where I feel like I'm a little bit immortal, as if no ailment will come over me that I can't handle, "so what if I get sick I'll go to the hospital for a week and feel fine w/e") This text sort of upset me and I just replied " okay don't worry i'm coming over anyways." Moments later the reply is "no, don't come over my dad really doesn't want me to get you sick, I'll see you in a few days don't worry." ugh, so I wasn't really into the idea of not seeing her but I didn't want to upset daddy and I really like her family. So disgruntled I decide not to go over to her house. But I had already started driving so I call up another mentor/friend to see if I can maybe hang out with him and when I call him the message I got when I picked up was that he thought I shouldn't come over because he was trying to get over the flu, he didn't want to get me sick. It was like I heard the same thing twice in two minutes from completely different area's of my life and shoot I wasn't ready for that.
So disgruntled I drove home and avoided about 10 calls from my mentor/friend and his wife. I honestly acted like a little punk brat kid. But I was upset, all of this time I thought this cancer thing was cool, it was kind of nice to think that everyone saw me as week so that when I end up being able to do cool things like, lift weights or play games it was pretty incredible but when I don't have the opportunity to show that I'm fine it makes me feel like I'm some sort of week, petty, pathetic version of myself. As if I'm weaker and less of a person than someone else. It's really pretty unrealistic because I'm sure they would say the same thing to others but being weak like I was and some people avoiding me specifically when I was super sick in the hospital and the doctors told people who were sick not to come see me I'm extra sensitive to things like that.
There's really not much of a moral to this blog, not really nope. It's kind of just a look into my life, people with cancer even if we don't say it can be sensitive, there's such a stigma related to cancer it's crazy.
I feel like people feel more inclined to do nice things for me because I've had cancer but I also feel like people expect less of me for the same reason. Discretion is huge.
Do unto others kiddo's.
Luke 6:31
This is the night of March 21st but I probably won't post it for week or more, just to leave out some drama and let things settle.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The good vs the bad of Chemo
Fun: I miss the hospital. Being in a bed surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me who were willing to what seemed like anything just to help me make it through my current situation was so awesome. Imagining that I was going to fight a cancer dragon with every person I had met and had a chance to call friend coming to my aid to slay this mighty beast. The attention was incredible. There is no stutter in my voice, and not a shy part in me when it comes to saying that I do like to admired, adored, looked at, and to be the center of a large chunk of attention. People drove to see me and asked me what I wanted to do, what I needed. It was so great.
onnn the flip side of this though.
Not Fun: I was stuck in a bed and on occasion alone for hours at a time with not many places to go other than the hospital halls or upstairs in my house. This was the down side, the negative of chemo the not fun. Some wouldn't answer, and after a lot of these special people went to school I felt more alone than ever. All of that attention I was used to receiving slowly died, and then spiked but since this is the not fun we're focusing on the lack of attention, the days when no one came to see me. When I felt alone, and bored, trapped.
Fun: Losing all my hair was a trip, I was a lot less itchy in incredible places and my skin got so soft I would often just pet my self. I pretty much didn't have to worry about self esteem because people knew I was going to look weird at this time anyways. I got like a cozillion hats and half of them I can wear in public now that I have back and the other half I can still wear for ridiculous photo shoots or just for being generally silly, and they decorate my room nicely. I enjoyed getting more attention when my hair came back. All the hands that reach for my hair to see that I am feeling better again and that my hair is actually thick and it's not some sort of joke.
Not Fun: Reaching up to scratch my head, or any part of my body that had hair and pulling out a chunk of hair. It felt like I was dying every time I did it. Either I was part of killing myself when I ripped it out or I just had to put my hand my bleeding chest as all the blood inside of me poured out. Feeling my beard and scratch scratch scratch a chunk came out, it felt like a chunk of my flesh had been ripped off. Not because it hurt, it kind of felt good but that I was so fragile my hair could come out like that. Looking hair on my arms so that they looked feminine and my legs as well. Having to shave so that my head would look decent. Getting nasty thin hair growing in was not fun, I felt like a mix between a 90 year old man and a newborn baby in the regards to hair. My head got cold. Being so uncomfortable with how I look that I sometimes really just didn't want to leave my house, and definitely not leaving the house without a hat and some decently cool looking clothes on.
Fun: Losing all my strength and doing anything felt like a huge monumental accomplishment. First time driving again felt like I was super hero. Being able to stand for 20 minutes made me the hulk. If I could stand on 1 foot for a split second I was batman. Anything better than getting out of bed made me feel invincible.
Not Fun: Being so weak that I can't even pull over some spunky red head angelic girl to the ground. Feeling like I can't stand and hardly being able to make it to my bed without help. I felt extremely broken. Falling when I tried to go skateboarding, well falling more than usual. Having to ask people to go slow so I could keep up. Always feeling defeated by how weak my body had become, and I felt as if it was my fault since I laid there not being active for so long. There were and still are so many activities I pass on because I don't think I can keep up with or I'm afraid of getting seriously injured.
Fun: Having a port in my chest is really fun, I get people to feel it which gets more attention. SOme days I feel like Iron Man. I don't have to get an IV poked in my arm any time I go to the hospital unless something weird happens. It's nice to just walk in lay down and they can take care of things without having to worry about them popping my arm and I don't have to squeeze a squishy ball thing to pump blood. And I get to have a shaved chest. Getting to endure a lot of pain has increased my pain tolerance, and just my tolerance for a lot of things really.
Not Fun: I have to shave my chest, which is not fun, and I kind of like having a grotesquely hairy chest. If I don't shave when they stick the needle into the port and the tape on it to keep it attached, they pull hair off. Last time I went in to get poked the nurse said I HAD to shave next time I came in or she might cry because she didn't want to have to pull my hair off because it looked so painful. Worrying that if someone punches me wrong they will break this thing inside of me and, oh the horror that could bring. I shutter to think. A broken piece of plastic attached to a tube going to my heart, oh my gosh.
Enough of this list stuff, here's just a random list of good and bad things.
Good:Attention,biscuits and gravy in the hospital, meeting guy fieri, being able to chill for a year, having free time to write, spending butt loads of time with my mom/family, feeling empowered to overcome weakness, a life changing experience, having people give me shots that are uncomfortable with needles.
Bad: Feeling alone, being weak, horrible hospital food, losing muscle weight only to gain it back in fat, missing basically a whole year of my life, losing feeling in my toe, having possible health problems forever from it, blood thinner shots everyday in my stomach, losing dexterity, everywhere but especially in my thumbs, I'm horrible at Black Ops now (ahahaha), having girlish weak ankles that I sometimes just fall over on.
There are all kinds of other things that are good and bad from this whole chemo experience. Spinal taps had ups and down. But what I'm really trying to convey is that this thing changed my life and I liked a lot of it honestly. But there were also days when it sucked, and it hurt and I didn't enjoy it at all. I don't wish it on anyone but God can make a horrible situation a lot of fun and pull a lot of great things out of it if your open to it.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS STUFF, ASK ME! I really do love talking about this stuff I'm just bad at compiling it all. Specific questions about why I miss chemo and why I miss the hospital are way easier to explain in detail when I feel more inclined to ramble. I think I'm trying to make this blog less ramble nonsense, nope I'm rambling now. Cool.
But serious, I'm not shy about this stuff, ask me, and if you genuinely want to know, I can practically make you feel as if you had cancer.
onnn the flip side of this though.
Not Fun: I was stuck in a bed and on occasion alone for hours at a time with not many places to go other than the hospital halls or upstairs in my house. This was the down side, the negative of chemo the not fun. Some wouldn't answer, and after a lot of these special people went to school I felt more alone than ever. All of that attention I was used to receiving slowly died, and then spiked but since this is the not fun we're focusing on the lack of attention, the days when no one came to see me. When I felt alone, and bored, trapped.
Fun: Losing all my hair was a trip, I was a lot less itchy in incredible places and my skin got so soft I would often just pet my self. I pretty much didn't have to worry about self esteem because people knew I was going to look weird at this time anyways. I got like a cozillion hats and half of them I can wear in public now that I have back and the other half I can still wear for ridiculous photo shoots or just for being generally silly, and they decorate my room nicely. I enjoyed getting more attention when my hair came back. All the hands that reach for my hair to see that I am feeling better again and that my hair is actually thick and it's not some sort of joke.
Not Fun: Reaching up to scratch my head, or any part of my body that had hair and pulling out a chunk of hair. It felt like I was dying every time I did it. Either I was part of killing myself when I ripped it out or I just had to put my hand my bleeding chest as all the blood inside of me poured out. Feeling my beard and scratch scratch scratch a chunk came out, it felt like a chunk of my flesh had been ripped off. Not because it hurt, it kind of felt good but that I was so fragile my hair could come out like that. Looking hair on my arms so that they looked feminine and my legs as well. Having to shave so that my head would look decent. Getting nasty thin hair growing in was not fun, I felt like a mix between a 90 year old man and a newborn baby in the regards to hair. My head got cold. Being so uncomfortable with how I look that I sometimes really just didn't want to leave my house, and definitely not leaving the house without a hat and some decently cool looking clothes on.
Fun: Losing all my strength and doing anything felt like a huge monumental accomplishment. First time driving again felt like I was super hero. Being able to stand for 20 minutes made me the hulk. If I could stand on 1 foot for a split second I was batman. Anything better than getting out of bed made me feel invincible.
Not Fun: Being so weak that I can't even pull over some spunky red head angelic girl to the ground. Feeling like I can't stand and hardly being able to make it to my bed without help. I felt extremely broken. Falling when I tried to go skateboarding, well falling more than usual. Having to ask people to go slow so I could keep up. Always feeling defeated by how weak my body had become, and I felt as if it was my fault since I laid there not being active for so long. There were and still are so many activities I pass on because I don't think I can keep up with or I'm afraid of getting seriously injured.
Fun: Having a port in my chest is really fun, I get people to feel it which gets more attention. SOme days I feel like Iron Man. I don't have to get an IV poked in my arm any time I go to the hospital unless something weird happens. It's nice to just walk in lay down and they can take care of things without having to worry about them popping my arm and I don't have to squeeze a squishy ball thing to pump blood. And I get to have a shaved chest. Getting to endure a lot of pain has increased my pain tolerance, and just my tolerance for a lot of things really.
Not Fun: I have to shave my chest, which is not fun, and I kind of like having a grotesquely hairy chest. If I don't shave when they stick the needle into the port and the tape on it to keep it attached, they pull hair off. Last time I went in to get poked the nurse said I HAD to shave next time I came in or she might cry because she didn't want to have to pull my hair off because it looked so painful. Worrying that if someone punches me wrong they will break this thing inside of me and, oh the horror that could bring. I shutter to think. A broken piece of plastic attached to a tube going to my heart, oh my gosh.
Enough of this list stuff, here's just a random list of good and bad things.
Good:Attention,biscuits and gravy in the hospital, meeting guy fieri, being able to chill for a year, having free time to write, spending butt loads of time with my mom/family, feeling empowered to overcome weakness, a life changing experience, having people give me shots that are uncomfortable with needles.
Bad: Feeling alone, being weak, horrible hospital food, losing muscle weight only to gain it back in fat, missing basically a whole year of my life, losing feeling in my toe, having possible health problems forever from it, blood thinner shots everyday in my stomach, losing dexterity, everywhere but especially in my thumbs, I'm horrible at Black Ops now (ahahaha), having girlish weak ankles that I sometimes just fall over on.
There are all kinds of other things that are good and bad from this whole chemo experience. Spinal taps had ups and down. But what I'm really trying to convey is that this thing changed my life and I liked a lot of it honestly. But there were also days when it sucked, and it hurt and I didn't enjoy it at all. I don't wish it on anyone but God can make a horrible situation a lot of fun and pull a lot of great things out of it if your open to it.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS STUFF, ASK ME! I really do love talking about this stuff I'm just bad at compiling it all. Specific questions about why I miss chemo and why I miss the hospital are way easier to explain in detail when I feel more inclined to ramble. I think I'm trying to make this blog less ramble nonsense, nope I'm rambling now. Cool.
But serious, I'm not shy about this stuff, ask me, and if you genuinely want to know, I can practically make you feel as if you had cancer.
Monday, January 7, 2013
I started writing, like writing
Ohh myy gosh I need to decompress.
I literally wrote one paragraph on this story I'm working on. I guess I should explain what I'm doing first.
It's a new year, 2013 and I'm relatively over cancer or whatever so it's time to do something. I'm still planning on finding work but for now I wanted to feel accomplished even if I wasn't getting paid for it. So a gal pal I know, actually more than one person has told me I should write a book over this past year. Even though it's not really directly about cancer just putting my hands down and wanting words to come out in a more compressed, eloquent language is refreshing. When I blog I don't think a whole lot. It's basically whatever's on my mind, how I talk to a friend on an instant messaging service or over an email. It's pretty much just
random spaces and bounces around like I'm insane. I might not be insane, or I might be but my blog is just to bla bla bla rant for lack of a better phrase.
In 2013 I would like to read at least 2(hahaha) books! And hopefully write this book I'm working on. I don't even know if I'll try to publish it or anything but I really like the concept of saying I have a book. Maybe I'll try to make it some sort of digital download or something uber hipster I don't know.
Anyways I needed to hop onto my blog to just let loose and get the stupid random fast non-thinking typing out of the way so I could think more clearly for my story.
Beeeerightback.
I just want to say again and again, and probably again in the future how much it has meant to me that every single person who has paid attention to me through that whole cancer thing. I feed off of people's energy, like literally i'm an energy beast and I just sap it out of you. Even if you don't feel it I do. You people are my batteries, and Jesus. But I believe He made me this way and I have people sent from Him for energy, that's all of you. If i had to do this alone, it would have sucked so much. I might have a little bit of a big head from all of this because I think I'm really cool and people should pay attention to me because I have cancer. But if I'm being realistic, I pretty much had that attitude before I got this whole cancer attention thing. =] Haha.
So, some people might not be like this, but I am. Share my story with anyone you think it might help, talk about it to anyone, tell your friends, I don't mind answering chemo, cancer, or poop questions. I just feed off people, especially people I don't really know.
I literally wrote one paragraph on this story I'm working on. I guess I should explain what I'm doing first.
It's a new year, 2013 and I'm relatively over cancer or whatever so it's time to do something. I'm still planning on finding work but for now I wanted to feel accomplished even if I wasn't getting paid for it. So a gal pal I know, actually more than one person has told me I should write a book over this past year. Even though it's not really directly about cancer just putting my hands down and wanting words to come out in a more compressed, eloquent language is refreshing. When I blog I don't think a whole lot. It's basically whatever's on my mind, how I talk to a friend on an instant messaging service or over an email. It's pretty much just
random spaces and bounces around like I'm insane. I might not be insane, or I might be but my blog is just to bla bla bla rant for lack of a better phrase.
In 2013 I would like to read at least 2(hahaha) books! And hopefully write this book I'm working on. I don't even know if I'll try to publish it or anything but I really like the concept of saying I have a book. Maybe I'll try to make it some sort of digital download or something uber hipster I don't know.
Anyways I needed to hop onto my blog to just let loose and get the stupid random fast non-thinking typing out of the way so I could think more clearly for my story.
Beeeerightback.
I just want to say again and again, and probably again in the future how much it has meant to me that every single person who has paid attention to me through that whole cancer thing. I feed off of people's energy, like literally i'm an energy beast and I just sap it out of you. Even if you don't feel it I do. You people are my batteries, and Jesus. But I believe He made me this way and I have people sent from Him for energy, that's all of you. If i had to do this alone, it would have sucked so much. I might have a little bit of a big head from all of this because I think I'm really cool and people should pay attention to me because I have cancer. But if I'm being realistic, I pretty much had that attitude before I got this whole cancer attention thing. =] Haha.
So, some people might not be like this, but I am. Share my story with anyone you think it might help, talk about it to anyone, tell your friends, I don't mind answering chemo, cancer, or poop questions. I just feed off people, especially people I don't really know.
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