A Cancerous veil

I'm hiding behind my cancer. I use it as an excuse to dodge hard things in my life. It saved me from being pushed into a hard college trip for me right now and it's let me be lazy for the past almost 6 months. I've had trials it has had some hard parts but I've hid behind his thing expecting everything to be given to me. I hate being lazy, it's not what God wants. I need a challenge when life is easy for me I don't think about hard things in people's life. I haven't thought about how hard it is to be a mom, to have a friend with cancer and complains. I don't know what it's like to be a father who works to provide for his family. I don't have the stress of providing for myself. In this time I've forgotten what it feels to be stressed. I'm thankful to not be stressed, I don't think God wants me to be stressed. He says not to worry about tomorrow in Matthew 6:34. There's so many things I feel like I could and should be doing, I don't have time to be lazy but this cancer tries to consume and make me tired so all I want to do is seem like I'm lazy. Can I turn this visual laziness into something good for my Father? Can I still be His hand when I don't think I'm doing anything? Dear Dad use me, guide me, teach me, let me be your tool even when I'm hidden under boxes and things in a cluttered room. You are supreme, and grand.

Two bummer posts in a row

I just can't handle it. I started writing on paper then I was like shoot. There's quite a lot of people who haven't gone through what I've gone through and aren't going through this. This isn't the worst thing I've experienced in my life and I don't think it will be the hardest fight I go through. So join me.

Only those who know me very well will know that I am an extremely emotional person, I take everything you say deeply into consideration, especially if I view it hurtful. I literally lie awake at night thinking about whether or not certain people do or don't want to be my friends. If what you say about me is right, if I really am those things. I haven't figured out a great way to channel this yet. I'm still working on it. I guess that's why I'm here isn't it? This goes far beyond that though, I think about the future, the past, the present, mostly when no one is around though. Well usually I try to be alone when I fall apart emotionally because I don't like people being bothering them selves with the little problems I try to force upon myself.

I really just wanted to post here because an old friend of mine from Texas really encouraged me to continue writing and explain what it's like for me to go through having cancer, and dealing with chemo.

Bla bla bla, I really want to get good at writing and lose all that mumbling jumbo bimbo that just fills in the cracks of stuff that makes sense, This sentence for instance would be a good idea to get rid of, since it says nothing, but I want to say it, because I want the reader to understand how much I want to be more efficient and a better writing, it's just not happening.

Here, details. I'm in pain. The place I used to call throne is no longer so white in my eyes. When my stomach bites me I try to listen and go where it wants me to go, but sitting in this place is not as pleasurable as it used to be. If I'm lucky to release a bundle of joy it is soon after followed by pain and itching. And the itching persists, somehow all over my body, even for a few hours, it's madness can haunt me.
Onto another set of discomforts, I tried to be strong, when my body was weak, and I have painfully tender blisters covering the bottom of my feet. On more still, the inside of my mouth is plagued with mucositis, yup so, sore throat, mouth is sore, uber sensitive, like I feel the slightest piece of apple could slice open the side of my wall, my lips are chapped and as a result it's hard to open my mouth fully.

That's pretty all for the direct pain I'm dealing with all day long, today I got a mad spell of tiredness where I literally just had to stop and sit for like a half an hour because I just didn't want to move, then I got to lay down, and my stomach started to hurt, oh how these pains play into each other.

As for things I've got the pleasure to enjoy as side effects of the overall chemo experience, well I get cramps from time to time in my legs, usually when I'm not active for awhile, not too often. But I get cramps in the palms of my hands randomly, constantly all day long, everyday. Anyways, I got this rant out of my system, and I feel like I've helped our reader to understand what sort of things I deal with via chemo.

Last words for this post.
The chemo I am enjoying the reprocussions from right now, I believe I will never have to get again, means most of these things I might not have to deal with either, I like this. It helps me remember that this is a tunnel, and there is a light at the end, and I can see it if I look hard enough.
Sometimes, it's okay to look at the wall and say, there is no way out, even if you are lying to be reminded that there is a way to go, and there is a right way to go.

So . . . this is pain.

Sorry guys and lady guys, I haven't written in quite a while, this cycle has been busy, for good reason. I guess it's one of the hardest parts of this treatment. The hospital has become my current home. Pain is someone who comes with me wherever I may go, he's an attached little fella. But this guy pain, oh he's annoying but he's a good teacher. He's not a quick teacher, and you have to study attentively to catch all of what he's talking about. 

Crap, so I blinked a few hundred times and looked away about a thousand times and procrastinated for 1000000000seconds. I don't think any of these numbers are accurate but what usually happens during my excited writing happened. I forgot where I was going with this. 

Jesus suffered through way more than the pain I will ever know. 

Every time I've heard of crucifixion, I imagine a man on a cross having to push up on his nailed feet and hands just to get a breath. Agonizing pain that I understand to breath. 

REAL TIME

I might have a fever, might as well go to the hospital tonight since I wasn't planning on sleeping anyways. This is in real time folks, and I'm ADD, this isn't a joke.

I was just sitting here in pain not really breathing mom decided to check temperature and bam 100.9, through many re-checks it ended up lower but she checked it earlier and it was fine. Brb bathroom first.

And over a week later I get back to my blogging.

Basically a bunch of boring medical mumbo jumbo happened and I had some days where I definitely needed to be reminded to praise God because I was in the storm of discomfort and pain.

Here I am though, alive and physically well!

My spirit is broken though. I've caught myself far from my love, far from my God. I am not as intimate with the one who I want to be, I have gotten lazy. I've pushed all immediately gratifying things to my attention. I spend times with my friends, yea it's good to do that, especially for the life I want to live, interacting with people is my life, but it's like going to a party when your girlfriend is sitting at home waiting for you to pick her up because you called and told her you'd be right over. 

There is no need to read on from here. I want to post my prayer to God in this moment in case it can encourage you, but these are my words, sent up to the God of the Universe.

Dear God, I miss hearing you. Because I don't listen.

I miss talking to you, because I know you ARE listening.

I miss constantly thinking about you, and watching you move every second. I still recognize your movement when it's "like totally monumental" but the fact that I am alive, is monumental, the fact that I can type is monumental. I mostly just miss being so intimate with you that it was an interruption to have people call me, or get to my destination and have to get out of the car to talk to someone. I'm over using "I miss", and I hate it. I miss having other things to say because you were in my lips. I really miss spilling your works and love out onto every person I encountered. I'm done griping about how wrong I've been. Your insanely huge love blows my mind up! You knew that I was going to walk away and stand you up and wrong you all these times, so many many many times, yet you still died for every single one of us, to let me reach the Father : love. As wrong I am, I believe your sacrifice made me right, and I believe you forgive me. If I am wrong, and you don't forgive me, and I don't get to spend eternity with you, I will live in anguish but that's your choice, I've had many opportunities to just stay with, and have taken just as many steps away from you. Even if you do say depart from me, I never knew you. I love you, because you have already done so much right to me, and done so many good deeds for me, you owe me nothing, I owe you everything. Salvation is icing on the cake really.

God teach me to do your works, help me understand your forgiveness. Most of all God I pray others see I am a man, in love with the God and your The Good in my life.

If you aren't madly in love with God and your reading this. My heart breaks, shatters, it even weeps for you. Talk to me, talk to God, He is there, find the relationship, it's worth every second.

If it doesn't make sense to you but you know you need it, talk to me. I want to see you in Love with my lover, my friend, my father, my God.