Giggly antsy, tingling feet.

I'm feeling great phsyically, like wow, I'm pretty much back to what I was before this whole cancer orangoutang, or shenanigan, whatever. I go to see plays, I'm working here and there, I hang out with friends all the time, I go to church but I don't feel like my life is moving forward at all. I'm in regular contact with Jesus, I read His word, albeit not as much as I'd like, but I don't think I will ever spend as much time as I'd like alone with God until I die. But this is where my stress lies.

     Am I growing towards anything in my life? Is this day going to get me any closer to my dream of serving hundreds, thousands, millions of peoples lives by inviting them into the kingdom through music and words? Usually on the days I get consumed by these thoughts I fall apart. I still struggle with angry thoughts towards myself and I am crushed by fear of failure. Most days I feel like I am some sort of super-human since I was able to survive a "near death" experience from cancer. But other days I feel lower, weaker than other humans. As if my life was in some way worth a little bit less than anyone else's. 

Other than some random babbling and me just speaking my mind a little bit, this has nothing more to say than: no matter what mountains you go through, what heights you get to see on your climb towards Jesus, or in search of happiness there is more. And regardless of what valley's you have fallen in to, what great depths you have seen in your pain, agony, grief, close to fatal life encounters, there is still up. The mountain climber, and the valley traverser as well as the one who has never gone through a high or a low has much to explore in life. There is always a taller altitude to reach. Coming from a very "religious" background I interject it into all of my writings, especially these, blogs or whatever you call this. When I'm on here, I'm trying to preach as best as I can hoping to captivate anyone I can.

Gah, this post makes me remember that I'm so bad at going back over things and re-writing. I wrote this like a month ago and haven't decide to post it until now and I keep reading back over it, but it just feels, well it feels like I don't have anything else to add, this is real, this is me.

I'm not sick but I'm not well

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and other random almost profane babblings should go above.

I guess that's really not the best greeting since I haven't said anything in quite a while.

I can't say a lot has been happening, but I also sure can't say nothing has been going no in my life.

I'm just going to dive in and not preface anything and we'll see where we end up, kay? Kay!

Tonight I got a little bit more frustrated than I usually do. It's Spring Break for most of my friend's here and since I'm still not in school and I don't have any plans to go back to school I like to engage and spend much of my time with anyone involved with school to sorta still get the feeling that I am involved in something sort of like schooling. That and most of my friends that are in town for spring break graduated with or near me and I love very dearly. Back to frustration though. I was at a function, a friend's graduation from LPN schooling and I kind of rushed out so I could drop my brothers off back at home to go see my great friend who I just heard was in town for break. When I get home I see a text saying "don't come over I'm sick and I don't want to get you sick". (I'm at the point in my cancer treatment where I feel like I'm a little bit immortal, as if no ailment will come over me that I can't handle, "so what if I get sick I'll go to the hospital for a week and feel fine w/e") This text sort of upset me and I just replied " okay don't worry i'm coming over anyways." Moments later the reply is "no, don't come over my dad really doesn't want me to get you sick, I'll see you in a few days don't worry." ugh, so I wasn't really into the idea of not seeing her but I didn't want to upset daddy and I really like her family. So disgruntled I decide not to go over to her house. But I had already started driving so I call up another mentor/friend to see if I can maybe hang out with him and when I call him the message I got when I picked up was that he thought I shouldn't come over because he was trying to get over the flu, he didn't want to get me sick. It was like I heard the same thing twice in two minutes from completely different area's of my life and shoot I wasn't ready for that. 

So disgruntled I drove home and avoided about 10 calls from my mentor/friend and his wife. I honestly acted like a little punk brat kid. But I was upset, all of this time I thought this cancer thing was cool, it was kind of nice to think that everyone saw me as week so that when I end up being able to do cool things like, lift weights or play games it was pretty incredible but when I don't have the opportunity to show that I'm fine it makes me feel like I'm some sort of week, petty, pathetic version of myself. As if I'm weaker and less of a person than someone else. It's really pretty unrealistic because I'm sure they would say the same thing to others but being weak like I was and some people avoiding me specifically when I was super sick in the hospital and the doctors told people who were sick not to come see me I'm  extra sensitive to things like that. 

There's really not much of a moral to this blog, not really nope. It's kind of just a look into my life, people with cancer even if we don't say it can be sensitive, there's such a stigma related to cancer it's crazy. 

I feel like people feel more inclined to do nice things for me because I've had cancer but I also feel like people expect less of me for the same reason. Discretion is huge.

Do unto others kiddo's.

Luke 6:31

This is the night of March 21st but I probably won't post it for  week or more, just to leave out some drama and let things settle.