Fun: I miss the hospital. Being in a bed surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me who were willing to what seemed like anything just to help me make it through my current situation was so awesome. Imagining that I was going to fight a cancer dragon with every person I had met and had a chance to call friend coming to my aid to slay this mighty beast. The attention was incredible. There is no stutter in my voice, and not a shy part in me when it comes to saying that I do like to admired, adored, looked at, and to be the center of a large chunk of attention. People drove to see me and asked me what I wanted to do, what I needed. It was so great.
onnn the flip side of this though.
Not Fun: I was stuck in a bed and on occasion alone for hours at a time with not many places to go other than the hospital halls or upstairs in my house. This was the down side, the negative of chemo the not fun. Some wouldn't answer, and after a lot of these special people went to school I felt more alone than ever. All of that attention I was used to receiving slowly died, and then spiked but since this is the not fun we're focusing on the lack of attention, the days when no one came to see me. When I felt alone, and bored, trapped.
Fun: Losing all my hair was a trip, I was a lot less itchy in incredible places and my skin got so soft I would often just pet my self. I pretty much didn't have to worry about self esteem because people knew I was going to look weird at this time anyways. I got like a cozillion hats and half of them I can wear in public now that I have back and the other half I can still wear for ridiculous photo shoots or just for being generally silly, and they decorate my room nicely. I enjoyed getting more attention when my hair came back. All the hands that reach for my hair to see that I am feeling better again and that my hair is actually thick and it's not some sort of joke.
Not Fun: Reaching up to scratch my head, or any part of my body that had hair and pulling out a chunk of hair. It felt like I was dying every time I did it. Either I was part of killing myself when I ripped it out or I just had to put my hand my bleeding chest as all the blood inside of me poured out. Feeling my beard and scratch scratch scratch a chunk came out, it felt like a chunk of my flesh had been ripped off. Not because it hurt, it kind of felt good but that I was so fragile my hair could come out like that. Looking hair on my arms so that they looked feminine and my legs as well. Having to shave so that my head would look decent. Getting nasty thin hair growing in was not fun, I felt like a mix between a 90 year old man and a newborn baby in the regards to hair. My head got cold. Being so uncomfortable with how I look that I sometimes really just didn't want to leave my house, and definitely not leaving the house without a hat and some decently cool looking clothes on.
Fun: Losing all my strength and doing anything felt like a huge monumental accomplishment. First time driving again felt like I was super hero. Being able to stand for 20 minutes made me the hulk. If I could stand on 1 foot for a split second I was batman. Anything better than getting out of bed made me feel invincible.
Not Fun: Being so weak that I can't even pull over some spunky red head angelic girl to the ground. Feeling like I can't stand and hardly being able to make it to my bed without help. I felt extremely broken. Falling when I tried to go skateboarding, well falling more than usual. Having to ask people to go slow so I could keep up. Always feeling defeated by how weak my body had become, and I felt as if it was my fault since I laid there not being active for so long. There were and still are so many activities I pass on because I don't think I can keep up with or I'm afraid of getting seriously injured.
Fun: Having a port in my chest is really fun, I get people to feel it which gets more attention. SOme days I feel like Iron Man. I don't have to get an IV poked in my arm any time I go to the hospital unless something weird happens. It's nice to just walk in lay down and they can take care of things without having to worry about them popping my arm and I don't have to squeeze a squishy ball thing to pump blood. And I get to have a shaved chest. Getting to endure a lot of pain has increased my pain tolerance, and just my tolerance for a lot of things really.
Not Fun: I have to shave my chest, which is not fun, and I kind of like having a grotesquely hairy chest. If I don't shave when they stick the needle into the port and the tape on it to keep it attached, they pull hair off. Last time I went in to get poked the nurse said I HAD to shave next time I came in or she might cry because she didn't want to have to pull my hair off because it looked so painful. Worrying that if someone punches me wrong they will break this thing inside of me and, oh the horror that could bring. I shutter to think. A broken piece of plastic attached to a tube going to my heart, oh my gosh.
Enough of this list stuff, here's just a random list of good and bad things.
Good:Attention,biscuits and gravy in the hospital, meeting guy fieri, being able to chill for a year, having free time to write, spending butt loads of time with my mom/family, feeling empowered to overcome weakness, a life changing experience, having people give me shots that are uncomfortable with needles.
Bad: Feeling alone, being weak, horrible hospital food, losing muscle weight only to gain it back in fat, missing basically a whole year of my life, losing feeling in my toe, having possible health problems forever from it, blood thinner shots everyday in my stomach, losing dexterity, everywhere but especially in my thumbs, I'm horrible at Black Ops now (ahahaha), having girlish weak ankles that I sometimes just fall over on.
There are all kinds of other things that are good and bad from this whole chemo experience. Spinal taps had ups and down. But what I'm really trying to convey is that this thing changed my life and I liked a lot of it honestly. But there were also days when it sucked, and it hurt and I didn't enjoy it at all. I don't wish it on anyone but God can make a horrible situation a lot of fun and pull a lot of great things out of it if your open to it.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS STUFF, ASK ME! I really do love talking about this stuff I'm just bad at compiling it all. Specific questions about why I miss chemo and why I miss the hospital are way easier to explain in detail when I feel more inclined to ramble. I think I'm trying to make this blog less ramble nonsense, nope I'm rambling now. Cool.
But serious, I'm not shy about this stuff, ask me, and if you genuinely want to know, I can practically make you feel as if you had cancer.
