Down below there is talk about girls, girls, girls, confusion, what's going on in my head, maybe something about life a year from my diagnosis with cancer but mostly, girls and whatever else falls out of my head.
Lately I've been trying to accept everything that's going: what went on.
It's kind of a blank statement but I'm trying to be fancy with my writing when I really have mostly no idea what I'm doing. I'm sad and laughing at how many things I've been taught and forgot.
and here's the part where I just start talking, I think what I'm trying to say is I'm just not very good at grammar and I guess it's good to practice, and certain things bug me but I'd rather just spit out what's going on with me and put down what's inside of my brain cells so I can look back at it later.
I think this whole blogging process for me has helped me realize a greater respect for a well written book.
This blog has been really messing with my brain. I want to write, so I can remember what the heck was going on in my head. But it's as if it already all fell out of my brain. I've filled it up with so much other stuff it's hard to scrape through all the other mess to find the stuff I want to write down. Shoot my brain is just too full of girls. I want I want I want to make my "future wife" know how much she means to me but in the mean time it feels like I'm endlessly searching, even though I have no intention of getting close to a girl right now, I don't think I'm ready. I think I'm scared actually. Either scared of hurting myself, or really hurting a girl. Or not picking the right one. What if I ask a girl to marry me that doesn't really want to marry me but feels bad for me and feels she has no choice but to marry me and then we both live in mediocrity as our love life. I don't want that. The woman I ask to marry me I want to burn with such a great passion for her that no one else even matters except for God. I don't feel like I know that girl yet, and if I do she's moved beyond me. Which leads me to another dilemma, what if the girl I burn for doesn't burn for me?
Weird, I wasn't expecting to write all that, especially not as something I would post publicly. Maybe it's a cry for help? As if I want help. I do enjoy my flirty lifestyle, I guess it's because I haven't seriously injured any woman's heart (that I know of) if the day comes and I do break a heart, ouch I'll probably lay in a hole for a week.
But onto what's recent with me. It's been a year since I was diagnosed with leukemia, over a year which is really pretty mind blowing. What blows my mind even more is how it doesn't feel like it ever even happened. Kinda feels like I fell asleep from the shock of them telling me I could die in a week or whatever and then woke up the day after my most recent port placement surgery which was almost exactly a year later. Basically my brain is trying to fathom why my arms and legs are so weak, why I'm a year older and why I have all these cool memories from the past year that (in my mind) didn't happen it real life, it was just a dream. Leukemiaception.
I'm pretty jazzed that I have hair right now. It should stay and God willing I don't need more intense treatment it shouldn't go away until I'm like old or whatever. I can run my fingers through my hair! Well on the back of my head but still, I do enjoy my hair.
Yea yea, there isn't a linear pattern I'm just typing whatever comes to my brain. Then typing and typing and typing until I either get distracted by texts, music, Facebook or I just don't feel like adding anymore at that time I force myself to find something to get distracted by.
Before this whole cancer thing I had planned to go to school and maybe school would fall into place later, or as a back up. Then as cancer progressed school got pushed out of my head more and more. I'm to the point now where I absolutely don't have an interest in going to school other than social reasons. I pray God would guide me where the pleases but I'm so distracted right now that I'm almost certain school would only further distract me. Let my life speak, not just my tongue and my lips.
I could always continue writing. But I think it could stop here.
I really need to figure this whole writing thing out again.
